28F, still trapped at home with strict religious parents, ex-Muslim, secretly seeing a Dutch guy and living a total lie. How do I get out without losing my family?
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Hey everyone,
Throwaway account because I’m terrified of anyone I know finding this.
I’m 28, still living at home, and i intellecually left islam some time ago. I see the religion for exactly what it is — the violent, disturbing stories about the Prophet, the control, everything. I don’t believe anymore, but no one in my life knows. At home I’m still the perfect Muslim daughter.
My mum watches my every move. She forces me to pray, to fast, and I’m not allowed to leave the house without hijab and full covering. If I wear anything even slightly normal, I’m immediately called a whore. I’m not allowed out in the evenings at all — even though I’m a grown woman. I obey because I’m scared shitless of what will happen if they ever find out I’ve been lying.
A few months ago I met a Dutch guy. He’s kind, respectful, and for the first time I feel like someone actually sees me as a person, not just as future wife material for a Muslim man. When I sneak out to meet him I take my hijab off. The second I get home I put it back on. Every single time it makes me feel disgusting.
But here’s the part that’s breaking me: he’s scared to be with me. He’s genuinely worried about what my family is capable of doing if they find out. He thinks they’ll see him as the problem and might even turn to violence. He’s afraid he’ll piss off a lot of Muslims and they might come after him. Everyone he asks for advice tells him the same thing: “Get out as fast as you can, this is dangerous.”
My parents (and siblings) keep pushing Muslim marriage candidates on me. They don’t care about my studies, my future, or what I want to do with my life — they only care that I marry a Muslim. I smile and stay quiet because I’m too scared to say I don’t want a Muslim husband. I don’t want any of this.
I love my parents. They’re not evil people. They genuinely love me. But their moral compass is completely destroyed by the religion. They think they’re protecting me. I’m terrified that if I tell them I’m no longer Muslim they’ll scream at me, cry, manipulate me, guilt-trip me, pray over me — do anything to “save their little girl from hell.”
I want out. I want to be able to have a normal relationship without hiding. I want to be able to go outside after dark like any other adult. I want to stop living this double life. But I also don’t want to lose my family forever — and now I’m scared I’ll lose him too because the situation is too dangerous for him.
Has anyone here been through something similar? How did you tell your parents (or did you never tell them)? How did you move out without it exploding? Any practical advice on safety, finances, or emotional survival would mean the world to me right now. I feel so stuck and so exhausted from the constant lying.
Thank you for reading. I read every single comment.
— Anonymous