First time this has happened, I dont know what to do (cw: overdose and drug use)
Ive struggled with dissociation throughout my life, but it usually passed in a couple hours, a day or two sometimes. N it was always triggered by something. I have generalised anxiety disorder and cptsd.
A month ago my 3 year first relationship ended one morning out the blue in a horrible way, and two days later I had an accidental benzo overdose as I had mixed it with weed and couldn't breathe properly. That fear I felt of dying sent me into a flurry, that mixed with an involuntary blood test I had to undertake at the hospital (I have a horrific needle phobia and had to be held down) and my relationship breakdown has seemingly sent me into my first episode of depersonalisation/derealization.
I keep feeling like im about to die, every wrong feeling feels like my hearts about to stop. I can't get rid of the weird vision, it got a little better at some point but has gotten worse over the past 3 days.
I feel like im not real, I feel like my body isnt mine and that im not a person anymore. Im not psychotic, I know this is untrue, its just how it feels. I can't concentrate on what people are saying to me, everything feels foggy and like im just watching everything happen on tv, I can't remember my days. I haven't felt ok in a month, the anxiety has decreased as the first week or so was just 24/7 anxiety and bordering a panic attack. The feelings im feeling are so jarring and anxiety provoking that I can't seem to get out of the loop of small stressors making everything worse, ignoring the feelings im feeling. Everytime I think im getting better I get worse. Things look scary, things i would've otherwise enjoyed and used to find love in. Going out with friends, watching movies, talking to people, going on walks with my dogs (they're being taken care of still!), playing games. Even mundane things like lying in bed have become terrifying in a way I never want to feel again.
I feel lost, I am safe and I have no intentions of harming myself as i still have hope that i WILL get better and i am not going to let this win!! But the suicidal feelings have been lingering, the worry that this is permanent and that im going to be like this forever. That my life will never be the same, that even if i do get rid of it its only a matter of time before I get stressed out and it all comes back.
Im looking for some answers, things I can do that might help speed up the process of recovery as I know it's possible. Some hope from other people's stories that things can get better! Any advice or just even assurance is appreciated as this is my first time going through this, and in all honesty im scared. Im only 20, and i start university in September, I want a good life and I dont want to let this get in the way.
Thank you :)