I dreamed.
It's been months since I disappeared from your life like a ghost, without even a whisper I fled.
I could spill words that would explain, but explanations when one apologizes sound like excuses. And there's no excuse.
What I did, the way I acted when it came to you, was simply just so wrong, I was so wrong in so many ways.
And I'm so, so very sorry.
You deserved better, and I could've been that better but cowardice runs deep in my veins, it's seeded in my very core and it corrodes my heart like rust.
You needed closeness, you wanted it so badly, you craved for it and I felt squeezed, when you grow up starved, when your entire conception of love amounts to nothing but crumbs, when someone offers you a plate and tells you to eat, you feel your stomach turn inside you, like you will get sick. You don't, now I know that, but I could feel my stomach turning in me.
That, and the constant fear of getting used to taking bites just to have them taken away from you.
I loved you, I still do, I believe that someone that doesn't love doesn't spend months on end writing letters that will not send.
And I will not send them, not because I don't miss you, oh believe me when I say that my heart bleeds your name at night, that the weight of knowing that I lost probably the love of my life over my pathetic self is sickening me even more than I was before.
I will not send them because I love you, and because you deserve better, better that I can be, but what if I can't?
You deserve someone to hang Christmas lights and have hot cocoa, you deserve children of your own and a partner who's not afraid of ruining them for good like it happened to her.
You deserve someone who can love you like a person does, like a woman does, not this monstrously broken love that only knows how to harm.
I hope you never read this, I hope you never get this poorly spit apology and confession. I hope you're not lurking in these subs, looking for words that taste like mine, looking to find me. But if you do -What a bliss yet a pain it'd be that you do-, if you bump against my words and recognize my tongue behind them, if you're looking for me, come, my darling, let me make amends shall you need me to, let me tell you how much I'm sorry one more time, to call your name out loud even if to splurge me.
I hope you're happy, satisfied and loved, that my face, my voice, my words fade from you, like if I wasn't there, like if my existence was nothing but a dream on a summer nap, something that startled you to wake up but it's not there anymore.
Forget me, my darling, don't fear reprise for doing so, I have already forgiven you for it. There's nothing but tenderness in my heart for you.
I will forever be sorry, I will forever remember every detail, every little speck, on those, your eyes.
I will carry this pain with me and I will do it with the smile that crosses my face when I remember that for a moment we were happy, and I almost dared to dream.
Now I'll come back to the slumber that claims me like I'm his. To sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream.