50 days clean and I'm genuinely angry at how much nicotine stole from me
Not inspirational, just honest.
I quit 50 days ago and the more time passes the more pissed off I get. Not at myself, at how normalized it all was. I spent 3 years thinking I was just a tired, unmotivated person with no discipline. Turns out I was just constantly nicotinedependent and my brain was screaming for help every 20 minutes.
Looking back is wild. I genuinely thought I was lazy. I'd set alarms to go to the gym and just... wouldn't go. Told myself I didn't have the motivation. Now I realize I was just exhausted all the time because my cardiovascular system was destroyed from constant vasoconstriction. Of course I didn't want to work out, my body was crying out for rest because it was under constant stress!!!
The energy isn't back. It's better than it ever was when I was using. I'm hitting the gym 4 days a week now, actually pushing hard, and my recovery is insane. I feel alive in a way I forgot was even possible.
Sleep is deeper. Like, actually deep. Not just lying in bed for 8 hours. I'm actually resting now and waking up without that groggy feeling that never went away.
The blood flow thing is real and nobody talks about it enough. My hands were always cold. Winter, summer, didn't matter. Always freezing. Gone now. My feet aren't numb anymore. It's such a small thing but it's actually wild how much of my body was just... offline because of nicotine.
Gums stopped hurting. Didn't even realize they'd been sore until they weren't. Breath is better. Teeth are whiter already.
But the money part is what actually makes me angry. I've saved $400 in 50 days. That's roughly $3000 a year I was literally lighting on fire to feel worse than I do right now for free. Three grand a year. To feel anxious, tired, and dependent.
What could I have done with that? Holidays, new golf clubs, experiences, new watch?!, literally anything. Instead I was buying tiny pouches of nicotine that made me feel like shit and then gave me 30 min of relief before the cycle started again.
The worst part is realizing how much I missed. Three years of "I'm not motivated enough" when really I was just physiologically incapable of being motivated because my brain chemistry was hijacked.
50 days and I'm not going back. Not because it's hard, because I'm finally angry enough to see what it actually cost me.
Fuck Zyn.