Risk having another?
Hi all - I had rapid onset HELLP syndrome with my first pregnancy, twin boys, in 2024. I gave birth at 30w2d under general anesthesia and don't remember the first days of their lives. The boys were in the NICU for 63 days. Luckily, they are completely fine and have caught up on all milestones despite what a traumatic time it was. I also made a full recovery and have no health issues. Since the boys were born, I've done a sh*t ton of therapy - EMDR, groups, individual CBT - to deal with the trauma.
I want to have another baby. I've consulted with three MFMs and two liver specialists about what having another would look like. One MFM was absolutely against it. The other MFMs basically said it was my choice, and I might get sick again, and I might not. Liver doc said I am cleared from her POV to have another child, I'd just be closely monitored.
All this to say, I just don't know what to do. I would love to have another chance at a "normal" birth. But that might not happen! I'd love to have a daughter. But I'm not doing IVF, so I don't get to choose. My heart wants to have another baby and do it again, but my head is afraid of the risks and retraumatizing myself. I thought my decision would be clearer now, even two years after the boys were born, but I'm still just as confused.
I am having these conversations with a therapist. But I also wanted to check with a community that understands the feeling.