I have struggles with explicit thoughts about my best friend's wife
Hello, I've never really posted anything like this online before, and this might seem really tame when compared to other confessions, but whatever. For the sake of privacy I will exclude any real names and some personal details and change certain details to further add anonymity. This might be long, no worries if you don't read it, I honestly just need to confess this for some catharsis.
Basically, I live with my best friend (Marcus) and his wife (Julia) and have for nearly the entirety of their relationship. They have been together for around 7 years at this point. My best friend and I have known each other since high school, which at this point has been well over 15 years (my poor fucking millennial knees).
If I can describe Marcus and Julia's relationship (in my totally unbiased opinion/s), I would say that they are loving, both nerdy types (so am I, no shade), and overall have a fantastic foundation of friendship and enjoy each other's company. There has however, been a huge major issue in their relationship that honestly gets glazed over by both of them. In the entirety of their relationship they have had sex approximately four times or so. The sex was also mostly front loaded in the relationship and hasn't even occurred post marriage. I know this because Marcus confessed to me that the relationship nearly ended due to the lack of sex multiple times but they chose to work it out. Earlier in the relationship Marcus told me that Julia had a particular sexual kink that Marcus wasn't particularly comfortable with, and for some reason Marcus never made an effort to pursue her kink and I think this contributed heavily to tanking their sexual compatibility. The kink isn't even anything horrible, it's just some dom/sub play with Julia being the sub and wanting a dom that would praise but also take control during sex. A very vanilla 50 Shades imo
This has led to two people in an overall happy relationship, that get along great for the most part but have a completely dead bedroom. If they are happy that's totally cool, but I have some direct and admittedly indirect evidence that might tell a different story.
Marcus is sexually frustrated within his marriage and has expressed that to me on several occasions openly and freely. That is about as direct as it gets, I know he still struggles with this. Julia has had more than a few instances of very flirty, albeit from my biased pov, interactions with me that honestly left my head swimming a bit. One time Marcus was heading to the store and Julia and I were hanging out in our apartment living room together and she suddenly, after Marcus left, came and sat right next to me on the couch and leaned on me to show me a tik tok that she liked. She was putting her face extremely close to mine and leaning on me with her arm and hands, and at that point in time it made me a bit uncomfortable because it felt so blatantly flirty.
Shortly after that occurred Marcus went out of town on a work trip for a few days and this was the first time Julia and I had the apartment to ourselves. A day after Marcus left a loud car crash happened right outside our apartment at 6am causing a huge uproar of screeching brakes and crumbling metal. This sound immediately woke Julia and I up and she immediately called me on the phone. She was panicked, understandably, and needed someone to help calm her down. I came out of my room to hers and she is frantically looking out of her bedroom window at the crash scene. I gently guide her away from the window and she kinda collapsed at the threshold of her bedroom door in a panic and so I sat next to her on the floor. I placed my hand on her shoulder and just tried talking to her and thankfully after a few minutes she calms down and even laughs a bit. To paint the scene a bit I am wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and honestly some pretty slutty shorts because I was just sleeping in my room and had no intention of being seen in them. That was a relevant detail because after comforting Julia for a few minutes on the floor next to each other, she started rubbing her hand on my bare thigh pretty close to my junk, and kept it there for a bit.
I kinda froze here and after what felt like an eternity in an oddly specific taboo pocket dimension, where the only thing that happens is your friend's wife rubs your upper thigh for an uncomfortable length of time, while staring at you intently, I shambled to my feet and helped her up as well. I awkwardly walked over to the living room and she promptly followed and sat on the couch next to where I was standing. We continued to maintain a kinda flirty and easy flowing conversation for the next hour before I admitted to being quite tired after the adrenaline settled down and probably needed to go back to sleep. I kept my distance from Julia the rest of the time while Marcus was out of town, partly out of being tired but mainly because my head was going crazy.
These events took place around a year ago and after that it was like a switch flipped and I have just kept lusting after Julia despite her being my best friend's wife. I find myself trying to put myself around Julia sometimes when Marcus is off somewhere and it always results in a seemingly flirty interaction with her. One time Julia even rejected Marcus's call when we were talking while he was out of the apartment somewhere and she even made a flirty comment roughly saying,"Marcus would be so jealous if he knew I rejected his call for us to keep talking." She said that while maintaining direct and intense eye contact with me but then I awkwardly chuckled and made en excuse to leave. There have been many other flirty micro-interactions between Julia and I since then, but I fear even Tolkien might find me a bit long-winded in my descriptions if he might somehow have the displeasure of finding himself reading this post.
Masturbation also seems to steer towards the thought of Julia nearly every time, and on a few occasions I have come close to straight confessing to her how much I want her. The idea of sending a risky text to Julia to test the waters and then sending an "oops sorry, wrong person" if need be (pretty lame, I know) turns me on more than I care to admit. This is all incredibly lustful, and while Julia and I definitely have great chemistry in many ways, the tension is entirely sexual. This has of course made it more difficult to hang out around them, and while I might just be delusional, I unfortunately feel like it's entirely possible there is a universe where I betray my best friend and start a sexual relationship with his wife behind his back. The thought of doing something so incredibly awful and selfish makes me feel like a shite person and an even worse friend, but truthfully it gets me going more than anything else.
Seems a bit silly to type all of this out, and I'm sure my grammar was teetering on brain-rot levels, but maybe it will allow me to push the idea of sleeping with my friend's wife out of my head. Hopefully, I can turn my attention to something more productive and healthy.