This girl is ruining my self appreciation
I've known this girl for almost 3 years now, I'm 19, I was 16 when I first knew her, I got attached very fast to her, and she too did, we believed we were soulmates, we talked for a while before she showed me a face reveal and me, as someone who cares about looks, didn't love the way she looks at all, to the point I ghosted her for a while, even though I thought she could be a soul mate but I can't deal with someone who isn't pretty enough to me, however she posted a story after few weeks that I noticed her and was kinda bored so I just texted her, we talked and joked and laughed, and then I asked to see another pic of her and she looked kinda attractive, she put a filter of glasses on herself and idk she just looked cute, we talked more and I started thinking she works fine with me and decided to tell her I like her and wanted to date her, she said yes even though she was kinda worried, however I have one problem which is I'm kind of a womanizer, one girl can't rly be enough for me, I didn't cheat on her but I used to look at other girls subconsciously, and because I wanted to be honest with her I always told her, she always got angry but was happy I'm honest, until one time she couldn't deal with me looking at girls anymore, she broke up with me, I didn't care, I already thought she was boring, and I said okay whatever, and I actually blocked her from all socials except one, and she messaged me on that one and told me did u block me on everything I said yes, she said shame on you but ok, I responded "you aren't so clear with me, especially after we broke up, you are texting me but also not honest if u want us back or not, and that kind of stuff that I don't like, I like straight forward taking. " she then said whatever and blocked me on that last social as of a revenge for her dignity.
I am sorry if this post is long but it will get more exciting I promise
The problem begins here.. after 2 months I got curious about where she is or what is she doing in her life, but I can't get back as my main personality or i will lose my dignity progress, so I made a fake account with a girl name and decided to text her, and we actually talked and I told her I'm from <city name> which is the same one I am from,( I did that to see if she will mention me) and actually she did and mentioned me, and said I knew someone from there, my ex, and bla bla we talked for days and months and I used to try make her spill some info about me to see what she thinks, sometimes she showed she misses me sometimes complete forgetting, i talked to her a lot more than we talked before that with my main personality, with main personality I talked to her for like 3 months before we dated for a month and then broke up, so that's a total of 4 months, but in my fake account I talked to her for 7 months and she doesn't know the fact I'm talking to her, in the beginning my purpose was curiousity but then I started liking her so I suggested with this fake account that she talks to me, and she actually did and then after few days I told her we should get back, she refused and said I don't think we are fit together, then after insisting of me she said we can take sometime see each other etc... , then after a while I blocked her because I got bored and also she kept talking about how we aren't like we used to be etc.. so I felt like she already not into me, when I blocked her and got back to my ex, which is another girl, I remembered my fake account and I was like "OHHH SHE PROBABLY TEXTED MY OTHER ACCOUNT" And yes she did, and sent a message saying "he blocked me 🤡", anyways I felt like I had enough of this girl, and started not feeling anything about her this time, like literally, then after a while I missed her.. I talked to her, told her I want us back, she was very sad I blocked her, very angry and said " I literally was texting u to tell you I agree on us getting back when I found out u blocked me", I kept trying to get her back but she said no and no. anyways after some time she said we can think about it and give ourselves sometime, and then I went on a semi-date with a girl during that period, and she got angry because why would I go on a date while we are on an engagement period, also there was another problem which is the fact that she doesn't want to go out with me because we are in a conservative country and her family can find out, so by this far we known each other for a year and we only talked in chat, we never even video called, we just sent each other videos and pictures and voice notes, however after that I just thought that this isn't working cuz I haven't seen her until now and got bored and will get more bored if we dated without meeting, so we decided to end it here, then after 2 months I missed her and felt like I love her and even felt I won't get bored if I didn't meet her, and I talked to her and offered her dating, this time she said yes without even a period to think, we were so happy in the beginning, she even felt that she loves me too, there was a lot of problems, especially when I told her that I made a fake account and been fooling her for more than a year, However this got solved and we had a lot of problems since I'm kinda controlling, she used to text me sometimes when we are in a problem, she even lost some dignity trying to text me while we are in the relationship but in a fight, like for an example she texted me and I was replying dry because I didn't like what she did and she was like "don't you wanna talk to me? " , however we broke up and then I texted her back trying to get her back, she refused and blocked me after a while, then I tried again and she refused, then I tried again and she said she will think but suddenly without any problems she said I don't feel like getting back or anything, she even knew two dudes in that period we weren't talking, and I can notice that someone was in her mind a bit when we were taking that last time about getting back, however after she said she thinks and she won't get back, I kept trying to convince her, she refused, even though I had convinced her a lot in the beginning of trying to get her back, so that's a lot of convincing,
a month after she said she can't get back.. she blocked me, I didn't react, I didn't text or anything, I just told myself that I should forget about her and move on, and then I started missing her again, and talked to her yesterday from one social she didn't block me at, but she was very dry (keep in mind until now we never met in real life) , she saw a message and didn't reply, then I told her "wanna meet?" she saw the message, no reply, she blocked me..
I feel like I am in a loop, I miss her, I imagine scenarios of me and her meeting and talking, I text her, she replies dry, I keep trying, she refuses, we stop talking whether she blocks or whatever... then I miss her I text she refuse we stop talking, I think in myself "oh I moved on" then when I get some money and be able to go on a date "oh I wanna meet her just once", I am in a freakin loop, and one thing hurts me is dignity, I lost a lot of dignity doing this, all the trying and convincing, and the fact that I will miss her again and weaken and text her again, hurts me even more, I feel like I'm on a loop and I don't know why I'm into her this much, and I can't even understand why is that girl in my mind, do I love her? if I don't then how am I dealing with her looks that ain't even near my imagination of a pretty girl? did I build a version of her in my brain?
sorry for that very very long post, if you made it until here, I will really be glad if u experienced something similar and can help me, I'm known for being a strong person, I don't know why I'm this weak.