resenting my fiance after having our baby
I’m struggling with how to handle this situation with my fiance and could really use some advice.
We have a 1-month-old, and before the baby was born he talked a lot about how he wouldn’t be like the “absent” or “lazy” dads — that he’d be fully involved because it’s his child too. But now that the baby is here, I’ve basically become the default parent for everything.
He’s in school and works about 10 hours a week doing research, so he does have responsibilities — but I’m with the baby 24/7. If I need a break or want to do anything, I have to ask him to take the baby, while he can pretty much do what he wants without checking in.
When he does hold the baby, he gets frustrated easily. For example, if the baby wants to be held longer or needs to be rocked to sleep, he’ll try to just put him down instead. When that doesn’t work, he gets annoyed and will make frustrated comments out loud (not yelling, but clearly irritated). Eventually he hands the baby back to me — and sometimes it feels a little rough, not enough to hurt the baby, but enough that it makes me uncomfortable.
He also doesn’t get up at night. He’s told me to wake him up if I need help, but when I have, he gets annoyed or upset, so I stopped asking.
I’ve tried talking to him about it. I’ve explained that when the baby is upset, he needs to pause what he’s doing and focus on settling him instead of trying to rush through it. He’s improved a little in that area, but the bigger issue is that he just doesn’t seem to want to deal with the baby — it feels like he only wants the good parts, like loving on him and showing him off.
To be fair, he does change diapers, feed him, and he will keep him if I need to leave the house — but even then I feel like I’m on a time limit. And when I’m home, he tends to rely on me to take over instead of stepping in on his own.
I don’t know how to guide him or help him step up without it turning into another frustrating conversation. I don’t expect perfection, just effort and consistency.
Has anyone dealt with something similar? What actually helped your partner become more involved?