Half Pisces - Half Gemini conundrum and how to fix (or integrate!)
I constantly feel like I’m in ten minds about everything. There’s a sense of stagnation tied to complex PTSD from significant issues around my mother, as well as transience and poverty growing up. I tend to dissociate and just carry on, and a couple of friends have described the way I live as quite Pollyanna-like.
I’ve also been in a long-term financial arrangement with a man that I’ve been trying to leave for a long time. It gives me the ick, but I can’t seem to find enough internal safety to walk away or trust in my own resourcefulness to fully stand on my own two feet. This is despite the fact that I have been resourceful enough to build an incredible life after leaving the country and circumstances that contributed to my PTSD.
When I look at my chart, it feels like I’m split between two very different parts of myself. One side is very much like Luna Lovegood, and the other is more like Loki, finding clever ways around things and working systems to my advantage. But in reality, it’s often felt like I’ve been working harder rather than smarter.
I’ve built a lot of scaffolding and facades over time to protect myself from pain, but they haven’t actually allowed me to fully process or move through it.
At the same time, I show up well for others. I support people in my work and do it effectively, likely because I understand what it’s like to experience deep pain, sadness, betrayal, and abuse.
I’m trying to understand, through my chart, how I can come to terms with all of this. It feels like there are multiple layers of dissociation and self-evasion that I haven’t been able to fully access or integrate.