u/SalmanKasi

Six years ago, after being initiated into the Internal Family Systems model, I felt in my gut I needed to leave everything behind. I moved to a small village in the Finnish countryside and committed to nothing but my own psyche for the foreseeable future. I call that period the cave.

The first three years were of course a blur. Hammering away at my mind, breaking the patterns that had kept me looping for most of my life. The part I was most blended with was a self-critic that had been running things since I was a child. It was the source of most of my misery and my anxiety.

From the outside I seemed like a well put together man. Disciplined, hard-working, ambitious, getting things done. But on the inside I was trying to outrun a sense of worthlessness and shame. The voice running it all sounded productive. If you could actually hear it, it was vicious. I hated myself. It just dressed up the hatred as my drive.

I tried a lot of things to change it. Read the right books. Woke up earlier. Tracked habits. Fixed my diet. Meditated. None of it touched the hatred itself. It just gave the hatred better tools.

What finally shifted things wasn't more doing. It was sitting with what was actually there.

It happened in a meditation. I sat with the hatred deep in my abdomen, like I had many times before. That time something gave. I felt an opening in that place, and it was finally able to accept love. Love flowed into the belly and hatred flowed out from a narrow opening. Like sand in an hourglass. 

I went from accepting love, to becoming love.

It was a reality breaking moment. I was in a daze for a couple of weeks afterwards from the healing I had gone through. 

I was finally able to feel worthy. To feel MY love towards MYself.

Most of my life I had been frozen and paralyzed under the weight of the self-critic's burdens. After this, I was able to actually take care of myself from a place of love and not hatred. Small things I noticed about myself, were endearing. The harshness thawed. I became more gentle. With myself and with others.

In the years since, as I have cleared out more burdens, motivation has stopped being something I have to manufacture. 

What I want to produce is the only thing there is, and setbacks I meet with calmness, patience and compassion.

In every person I have worked with since, men and women alike, I have yet to see someone without a very strong self-critic running the show underneath. As I have understood it, the self-critic is trying to protect us. From shame, rejection, from being seen as lazy or dumb, or being seen at all. Its method is to attack constantly so you stay safe and don't do anything that might hurt you.

That part has an important role to play. It's been protecting me my whole life. I just had to get close enough to see what it was protecting me from.

Speaking for myself, the transformation didn't come from doing more. It came from turning inward and finding the place of love inside to work from. 

Everything else fell into place because my parts were no longer at war with me. The inner civil war had been conquered with compassion.

After being introduced to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model and having my initiation through it, I felt in my gut that I needed to leave everything behind and I moved to a small village in the Finnish countryside to explore my psyche. I call this stage the “cave”. 

The first three years were of course a blur as I kept hammering away at my mind, breaking away from the patterns that kept me stuck in my own loops. One of the parts I was most blended with was my self-critic part that was at the forefront and would never let me rest. It was the source of most of my misery and my anxiety.

Well, I had I tried everything. Read the right books. Woke up earlier. Tracked habits. Fixed my diet. My inner voice sounded productive but if you could hear it, it was vicious. I hated myself. I just dressed up this hatred as my drive. 

I didn't notice this for a long time because this voice had been my companion since I was a child. Disciplined, hard working, ambitious, getting things done. 

From the outside I seemed like a well put together man. But on the inside I was trying to outrun a sense of worthlessness and shame.

I managed to un-blend from and unburden the self-critical part, for it to step aside and let me lead myself. It took three years though. It happened in a meditation where I sat with the hatred situated in deep in my abdomen, and after a while I felt an opening, it was able to finally accept love. Love flowed into the belly and hatred flowed out from a narrow opening. Like the sands in an hourglass. I went from accepting love, to becoming love. 

It was a reality breaking moment for me and I was in a daze for a couple of weeks from the healing I had gone through. I was finally able to feel worthy, to feel MY love towards MYself.

Most of my life I had been frozen and paralyzed under the weight of the self-critic’s burdens. In the beginning, I was able to actually take care of myself from a place of love and not hatred. Small things I noticed about myself, were endearing. The harshness thawed, I became more gentle. With myself and with others. 

Over the years as I cleared out more of the burdens and traumas I have been able to direct my attention and energy toward whatever I actually want. Motivation is not something I have to manufacture, what I want to produce is the only thing there is and setbacks I solve with calmness, patience and compassion.

Compassion, patience, connectedness helped me allow connecting with others, to allow myself to feel their emotions, to a degree I became more sensitive to where people were in their journeys and help point them towards what was going on in them accurately and gently. This initiated me into the the second phase of my journey to self-mastery. 

In my interactions with others, men and women alike, I have yet to see someone without a very strong self-critic running the show. As I have understood it, The self- critic is trying to protect us from something. Shame, rejection, being seen as lazy (this was my personal problem), seen as dumb, or being seen at all. But its method is to attack constantly, so you stay safe and don’t do anything that might hurt you. 

Speaking for myself, the transformation didn’t come from being better at discipline. It came by turning inward and finding that place of love to work from. Everything else just fell in place because my parts were aligned with me and not in conflict with what I wanted. The inner civil war had been conquered with compassion. 

I've been doing inner work for over six years. Most of it has happened in two phases. I'll talk about the first one here, the one I call the cave.

After being introduced to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model and having my initiation through it, I felt in my gut that I needed to leave everything behind and I moved to a small village in the Finnish countryside to explore my psyche. I call this stage the “cave”. 

The first three years were of course a blur as I kept hammering away at my mind, breaking away from the patterns that kept me stuck in my own loops. One of the parts I was most blended with was my self-critic part that was at the forefront and would never let me rest. It was the source of most of my misery and my anxiety.

I tried everything. Read the right books. Woke up earlier. Tracked habits. Fixed my diet. My inner voice sounded productive but if you could hear it, it was vicious. I hated myself. It just dressed up this hatred as my drive. 

I didn't notice this for a long time because this voice had been my companion since I was a child. Disciplined, hard working, ambitious, getting things done. 

From the outside I seemed like a well put together man. But on the inside I was trying to outrun a sense of worthlessness and shame.

I managed to un-blend from and unburden the self-critical part, for it to step aside and let me lead myself. It took three years though. It happened in a meditation where I sat with the hatred situated in deep in my abdomen, and after a while I felt an opening, it was able to finally accept love. Love flowed into the belly and hatred flowed out from a narrow opening. Like the sands in an hourglass. I went from accepting love, to becoming love. 

It was a reality breaking moment for me and I was in a daze for a couple of weeks from the healing I had gone through. I was finally able to feel worthy, to feel MY love towards MYself.

Most of my life I had been frozen and paralyzed under the weight of the self-critic’s burdens. In the beginning, I was able to actually take care of myself from a place of love and not hatred. Small things I noticed about myself, were endearing. The harshness thawed, I became more gentle. With myself and with others. 

Over the years as I cleared out more of the burdens and traumas I have been able to direct my attention and energy toward whatever I actually want. Motivation is not something I have to manufacture, what I want to produce is the only thing there is and setbacks I solve with calmness, patience and compassion.

Compassion, patience, connectedness helped me allow connecting with others, to allow myself to feel their emotions, to a degree I became more sensitive to where people were in their journeys and help point them towards what was going on in them accurately and gently. This initiated me into the role of the witness which is the second phase of my journey to self-mastery. 

In my interactions with others, men and women alike, I have yet to see someone without a very strong self-critic running the show. As I have understood it, The self- critic is trying to protect us from something. Shame, rejection, being seen as lazy (this was my personal problem), seen as dumb, or being seen at all. But its method is to attack constantly, so you stay safe and don’t do anything that might hurt you. 

Speaking for myself, the transformation didn’t come from being better at discipline. It came by turning inward and finding that place of love to work from. Everything else just fell in place because my parts were aligned with me and not in conflict with what I wanted. The inner civil war had been conquered with compassion.