The Bakayaro Chronicles! (Satire Parody)
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Part II — The Great Baka War
Eventually Lady OokiiShirii gave birth to a son.
His name was Prince Vegauskezening Bakayaro.
The naming convention continued.
Unfortunately neighboring kingdoms had finally grown tired of the nonsense emerging from Hentaippon.
Thus began the Great Baka War.
The old king had grown frail with age.
Too much time spent humping pillows instead of producing heirs in his youth had taken its toll.
So the prince was summoned.
The king spoke:
“My son… you shall lead our armies.”
He then bestowed upon him the wisdom of the Four Great Animes.
The prince nodded solemnly.
“All is going according to plan.”
He immediately tripped over his own cloak.
The queen cried tears of pride.
The prince marched to battle Naruto-running across the countryside while the army awkwardly slowed itself so they would not overtake their commander.
He refused armor.
He refused horses.
He refused proper swords because none resembled the blades used by Aizen or Sasuke.
Thus he marched carrying a reverse-grip tanto while screaming:
“CHANT THE NAME OF BAKAYARO!”
His own soldiers obeyed.
Mostly because it also functioned as an insult.
The enemy however mistook this for fanatical loyalty.
On the battlefield both armies stood ready.
The prince raised his arm dramatically toward the heavens.
“KIRIN!”
Nothing happened.
An awkward silence consumed the battlefield.
Tumbleweeds reportedly rolled by.
The enemy commanders however misinterpreted the gesture as an order to charge.
General BP, already pale with stress, quietly signaled the army to actually attack.
Thus the battle began.
Throughout the war the prince accidentally achieved victory after victory through misunderstandings, sheer luck and enemy paranoia.
At one point he accidentally killed his own messenger while attempting to shoot an enemy scout.
General BP burned the evidence immediately.
Eventually the enemy challenged Hentaippon to champion combat.
The prince stepped forward.
He wore:
a white coat inspired by Aizen,
Saiyan-like gloves and boots,
makeup resembling King’s scar,
and held his reverse-grip tanto with supreme confidence.
The enemy champion was horrified.
The prince then delivered a long anime monologue.
Unfortunately the enemy could not understand the language.
The words passed through countless terrified translators until the final version essentially became:
“The Prince of Hentaippon shall annihilate the continent itself.”
The enemy scribe died of stress immediately after completing the translation.
Thus the legend spread that the prince’s very words could kill.
The duel began.
The enemy champion charged heroically.
The prince smirked.
In his mind this was the moment he would move faster than light and decapitate his foe.
Unfortunately he forgot to actually move.
The enemy champion, already psychologically shattered, panicked upon seeing the smirk.
He tripped over himself.
His own flail crushed his skull.
The prince stood there motionless.
The battlefield fell silent.
To the prince, he had finally mastered invisible sword speed.
To the enemy, he had moved too fast to perceive.
To his own army, nobody had any idea what just happened.
General BP immediately screamed:
“NO MERCY!”
The enemy army collapsed in terror.
Thus ended the Great Baka War.
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Part III — The God-King
Prince Vegauskezening returned home a living legend.
His father abdicated the throne.
General BP retired as well, passing his burden and truth onto his son:
General PaleFace.
The neighboring kingdoms, utterly terrified, swore themselves as vassals to the new God-King.
History recorded Vegauskezening as:
a warrior beyond mortal speed,
a man whose words killed,
and a conqueror blessed by fate itself.
Only the generals knew the truth.
Then came the question of succession.
General PaleFace was tasked with finding the perfect bride.
His requirements were simple:
no anime obsession,
no manga,
no absurd proportions,
actual intelligence,
and flawless etiquette.
After rejecting many degenerate candidates he finally met:
Lady Naminatanade of House Senyuga.
She was elegant.
Shy.
Refined.
General PaleFace nearly cried from relief.
Unfortunately her name was inspired by Nami, Tsunade and Hinata.
PaleFace became even paler.
But Lady Naminatanade quietly confessed:
“My lord… I do not care for manga. I merely enjoy flowers and crochet.”
General PaleFace openly wept.
Thus she married King Vegauskezening.
The wedding itself became the greatest anime convention the continent had ever witnessed.
Yet Queen Naminatanade quickly proved herself the true stabilizer of the realm.
On their honeymoon she discovered:
anime underwear,
a biohazard waifu pillow,
and the full extent of Bakayaro degeneracy.
She promptly threw the pillow and underwear into the fireplace.
The king, believing her to be either a tsundere or yandere, fell even more deeply in love.
For the first time in history, the matriarchy tamed the patriarchy.
General BP wrote a congratulatory letter praising both Queen Naminatanade and General PaleFace for finally saving the kingdom.
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Part IV — The Twins
Eventually the queen gave birth to twins.
The king immediately prepared horrifying anime fusion names.
The queen shut him down instantly.
“Not a single anime name shall leave your mouth, Bakayaro.”
Thus the twins were named:
Sora.
And Shion.
The curse of anime naming conventions had finally been broken.
General PaleFace achieved inner peace.
The twins grew under the guidance of the queen and the general.
Both became prodigies.
Shion mastered:
tactics,
diplomacy,
and language.
Sora mastered:
combat,
history,
and genuine swordsmanship.
One day the young prince sparred against his father.
The king proudly used the legendary reverse grip.
Sora defeated him in a single strike.
The kingdom was shaken.
Thus was born the legend of:
The God-Slayer.
Shion recorded the duel elegantly.
Her account spread throughout the world.
And so the myths of House Bakayaro grew once more.
Yet this time…
The heirs were actually worthy of them.
Thus ends the tale of House Bakayaro.
For at long last, all was well in the kingdom of Hentaippon.