So traumatized by men, I don’t want to leave my house anymore
I am in my 40s, female. Have a successful career. Would consider myself outgoing, conventionally attractive. In fact, the first thing people usually comment on (unsolicited) is how I look. At my core, am an upbeat and carefree person who enjoys smiling, laughing, interacting with people, etc. I have kids and pets who I love and care for.
All that said, starting from a very young age, I have had a series of scary experiences, with men being the perpetrators. Sexual abuse by a male family member as a child; a male teacher in his 40s had sex with me when I was 14; marriage (and later divorce) with a man twice my age when I was in college (I was looking for safety and stability… ended up being the worst type of control and abuse); sexual harassment at work when a married male boss made a pass at me and then threatened to ruin my career if I didn’t withdraw a complaint to HR. Let’s see what else… a man I dated who I caught cheating, smashed my walls and hit me in a blind rage when I broke up with him. I’ve been on a date with a police officer (again, looking for safety), who tried to force my head onto his crotch when I was in his car. The officer then sent me the most offensive porn images to my phone, I can’t even describe, but even seeing these images traumatized me. I tried going the opposite direction and went on a couple dates with the most meek and non-threatening man I could find, a shorter balding guy. Guess what? When I told him I couldn’t hang out one weekend, he sent me over 300 text messages, came to my front door uninvited, punched my door, and called me a barrage of obscene insults in front of my neighbors.
I have learned by now that speaking up and holding these men accountable does nothing; or worse, it causes them to escalate their abuse and/or cover their tracks. Starting from when I was a kid and I told a trusted adult, like you’re supposed to, I have found that no one actually does anything to help… and that men believe it is their entitlement to use my body for their selfish needs, and to harm me if I don’t go along with it.
I do not think I’m special or alone in this. When speaking in therapy or in confidence with other women, I am disheartened that my experience is a common one.
Men have threatened my body, my career, the home I live in - and I simply don’t feel safe even existing anymore. I want to hide in my house and never come out. The things I enjoyed about life, and the hope I felt for the future, seem like a past memory of a different time. I am afraid to let my kids see me this way. I am afraid for my kids to have to face such a world. The only reason I am keeping going, is to be here for them. Thank you for listening.