mission doubts and anxiety please help
uggh how do I start. I am terrified so nervous but not for what you might think. I’m going to Mexico in august, I’m glad, excited even to serve foreign and learn Spanish, it’s what i and my family wanted. simply put the last 6 weeks of my life, this senior year, have been likely the best in my entire life. I’ve gotten so close with so many friends and had so many memorable times. Friends i have decided are SUCH an extremely and personally huge priority in my life. I feel this inner calling that I am meant to be a friend to many (as I already am) and it’s the closest thing I’ve found to a purpose. I hate this feeling that it’s coming to an end and things more than likely won’t be the same.
fyi I’m not in utah and not attending byu which would likely change the situation a decent bit. there’s so many factors into what I’m feeling so I’ll try to condense. these friends are all relatively new (transferred schools last yr), non-lds, and lack the foundation of growing up with me thru grade school that would help secure our friendship to continue after my mission. im questioning my testimony, I’ve been thru some serious atheist and “anti-lds” phases, i still don’t fully believe the gospel. despite this, I’m choosing to serve out of the strong expectation from my family but also a sincere belief that my mission can and will benefit me, maybe I’ll gain a testimony of the church’s authenticity but i somewhat doubt that.
to summarize all my feelings into a couple sentences. I am extremely scared and sad regarding the fact that my mission very likely means leaving behind friendships, combined with the fact that I don’t have a strong testimony it’s difficult to justify this as overall worthwhile. My current friendships feel irreplaceable and so fulfilling, I hate this feeling of having to let go I don’t know if life will ever feel this great again.
please any advice helps. i will try to answer questions as i mentioned there’s a lot of factors so feel free.