Fear of having blasphemed against the Holy Spirit
God bless you brothers, please forgive my extremely formal English, it is not my first language But I need your help please, I am 17 years old and since I was 13 I have been relentlessly battling blasphemous thoughts , Voices that put blasphemies into anything I hear, it doesn't matter if I'm watching a movie, listening to music in another language, or misunderstanding something someone said, I always hear them This has severely limited my life, to the point that I can't even listen to the sermons at my church because every 3 seconds blasphemous voices shout between each sentence. This prevents me from concentrating, or even trying to approach those songs or videos where I hear these thoughts again. So I am afraid, because I not only struggle with these thoughts, but I also have other battles against sin such as homosexuality and masturbation. These thoughts are involuntary, I abhor them with all my being and every day I only long to be free, never to have them again in my life. The breaking point was yesterday, when I fell into the sin of masturbation again, and while I was sinning I heard many blasphemous voices that I tried to ignore, as they tell me that I should simply ignore them.In the end I felt terrible remorse, not only for the sin I committed, but because I didn't stop despite hearing those horrible voices, and I truly fear for my salvation. I don't want to go to hell. I'm afraid I've blasphemed against the Holy Spirit. I felt so dirty and guilty that I couldn't even ask God for forgiveness because I was afraid He would reject me. I love God with all my heart. I don't want a life without Him. Without Him, my life has no meaning, literally. I just want to do His will and be happy in Him. I don't want a life without him, I don't want to go to hell. I try to calm down and think more clearly, I try to calm down, but there's such a deep unease inside me that nothing will go away, and you know what? I don't want to feel good. Not until my Lord confirms whether I have blasphemed or not, and I pray to God that I have not blasphemed; I do not want a life without God. I know many of you are much more mature in your faith and probably think I'm exaggerating or trying to get attention. This happened to me in the r/truechirstian subreddit. Please don't delete my post. I currently don't have anyone close to me who can provide support through prayer or spiritual guidance. My family is not Christian and my pastor tried to help me, but I couldn't be honest with her. I'm scared, please help me, I don't know what to do. Thank you for listening and may God bless you, brothers and sisters. Please pray for me.