u/Ramen34

Even though I don't wear hijab for the most part (and it's been over a year), I think my family still believes this is all a phase. And that someday, someday, I'll put it back on again.

Because of this, I'm still forced to wear it sometimes. Especially when out with family.

The evidence for this was one time, when I argued about having to wear hijab when out with my family. To which my mom told me I should still "maintain the habit". Why do I have to maintain something I don't want to do?

Another time was when I put a picture of myself without a hijab on my professional profiles. My dad was a bit taken aback, but reluctantly accepted it.

Besides this, I'm still not able to express myself and dress the way I want. My mom makes me dress even more modestly to "make up" for me not wearing hijab anymore. I can't even wear normal clothes.

I think what frustrates me isn’t even disagreement. It’s the fact that I’m not being respected as an adult whose decisions are valid. Instead, my choices feel like they’re still up for negotiation or reversal depending on the situation.

I understand my family doesn’t agree with my decision, and I get that it’s hard for them to accept. But I don’t like how that turns into controlling me.

Needless to say, I hate hijab, and just want it gone from my life.

I know I've ranted about this a couple times, and you guys are probably tired of hearing this. But it's just so frustrating.

To be completely honest, it is very hard to stay Muslim as a woman. Especially when you are constantly reminded that you are less than a man, or seen as immoral just because you don’t cover your hair.

And before people rush to say it:
“Islam is perfect, Muslims are not.”
“It’s culture, not Islam.”

But when there are literal hadith, legal rulings, and centuries of scholarship that place restrictions on women in ways men will never experience, it becomes very hard to unsee. At some point, you have to acknowledge that some of the problems are coming from the religion itself. Or at the very, very least, the way religion has historically been interpreted and enforced.

What hurts most is that women are expected to just accept this. If you question anything, you are accused of being weak in faith, influenced by “the West”, emotional, rebellious, arrogant, immodest, ungrateful.

My faith has honestly been hanging on by a thread lately. I really wish I did not feel this way. I really do. But it becomes emotionally exhausting trying to convince yourself over and over that Islam values women equally while constantly being made to feel otherwise.

After a while, it feels like you have to maintain cognitive dissonance just to keep your faith. Every discomfort gets dismissed as “culture,” misinterpretation, or lack of understanding. It gets to a point.

This is not coming from hatred or rebellion. I do not want to feel disconnected from my faith. But pretending these feelings are not there has become harder and harder.

I know some people will dismiss this. But I know I’m not the only muslim woman who feels this way.

To be completely honest, it is very hard to stay Muslim as a woman. Especially when you are constantly reminded that you are less than a man, or seen as immoral just because you don’t cover your hair.

And before people rush to say it: yes, I know the lines already.
“Islam is perfect, Muslims are not.”
“It’s culture, not Islam.”

But when there are literal hadith, legal rulings, and centuries of scholarship that place restrictions on women in ways men will never experience, it becomes very hard to unsee. At some point, you have to acknowledge that some of the problems are coming from the religion itself. Or at the very, very least, the way the religion has historically been interpreted and enforced.

What hurts most is that women are expected to carry this burden silently. If you question anything, you are accused of being weak in faith, influenced by “the West”, emotional, rebellious, arrogant, immodest, ungrateful, all the adjectives.

My faith has just been hanging on a thread lately. I really wish I did not feel this way. I really do. But it comes to a point where it becomes emotionally draining trying to convince yourself over and over that you are equally valued while constantly being made to feel otherwise.

I know some people will dismiss this immediately. But I also know I am not the only Muslim woman who feels this way.

I know this is kind of off topic, but I genuinely do not want to marry an "Islamic" man.

We're always told that we should be looking for a man who's "on his deen", prays 5x, hafiz, all that jazz.

But personally, I don't see myself with someone like that at all. Sure, I do want someone muslim, but not someone who makes religion their whole personality.

I don't want a man who has "gheerah" and polices my clothing. I don't want a "traditional" muslim man. I don't want someone who thinks everything is haram.

I find most religious muslim men insufferable. They are almost always deeply patriarchal, emotionally stunted, and judgmental.

People act like religiosity automatically translates to kindness, emotional intelligence, or compatibility. It doesn’t. A man who prays 5 times a day does not automatically make him marriage material. I wish we would stop pretending it does.

I know, I know, not every religious man is like this. But I would rather marry a non-muslim over a "religious" muslim man any day.

It's so hard to find a progressive muslim man.

Is it just me, or do I find modesty very performative?

For example, my mom expects me to wear a scarf or cardigan over an already fully covering loose top because the extra layer is supposedly “more modest.” The scarf barely covers my chest. It’s just for show. But somehow, a lower neckline + cardigan/scarf is considered more “modest” than a plain loose full-coverage shirt by itself. Make it make sense.

I find modesty as a whole performative. As long as you wear hijab, you are automatically seen as a “good” muslim/person even if you do every other sin under the sun. Meanwhile, someone who doesn’t wear hijab could be a good person, but will always been seen as “less than”.

I also feel like it’s easy to hide behind hijab and not improve yourself, because you’re already seen as the pinnacle of muslim woman.

To be honest, I sometimes miss wearing hijab.

Now that I don't wear it anymore, I have to constantly worry about my hair. I have curly hair, so it's a lot to manage.

It would be nice to wear a hijab sometimes just for convenience. And honestly, I think it looks nice.

But at the same time, I don't want to give people the impression that I'm planning to wear hijab full-time again. I don't want to become a "hijabi".

I wish it were socially acceptable to wear it on and off, like any other piece of clothing. Like, if I want to wear a hijab one day, and then shorts the next, that shouldn't be such a big deal.

I just hate how all-or-nothing hijab is.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I have always wondered whether certain types of people are more likely to become Islamic scholars/imams/etc, and how that affects rulings.

To illustrate what I mean: there are stereotypes in other professions too, like how former mean girls become nurses, or how certain personality types gravitate toward law enforcement, academia, HR, etc.

Obviously, these are oversimplifications, but professions do tend to attract certain kinds of people.

At least where I’m from, the best students are pushed toward medicine/engineering, while the weaker/poorer students are sent to madrassas.

That made me wonder: if certain types of people disproportionately enter religious studies, does that shape the interpretations that become dominant?

By the way, this isn’t an attack on scholarship or religious education.

DAE have parents who think you’re going to hell for taking it off, or feel personally responsible for your hijab?

Like, they see your hijab as their responsibility too, so they try to control your choices because they’re terrified of being blamed by God, by family, or by the community.

It’s complicated because on one hand, I do understand where they’re coming from. But at the same time, fear doesn’t justify controlling someone or crossing boundaries, especially when it hurts someone.

Sometimes I wish parents realized that adult children are individuals who will ultimately make their own decisions in life. At some point, faith has to come from personal conviction, not coercion.

Can anyone else relate to this? How do you deal with it?

In the past, I was so judgemental. I genuinely couldn't understand why someone would take off hijab, drink alcohol, etc.

To me, it was either you followed the rules or you’re sinning.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized nothing is that simple. Life is messy, and people aren’t robots. People make imperfect choices all the time, for reasons that aren't always obvious.

I think part of my self-righteousness came from not being tested in those ways myself. It’s easy to judge others when you’ve never had to struggle with something personally.

I also think it came from my own fears and insecurities that I projected onto others.

Once I had to confront my own flaws, it became a lot harder to judge others.

Now, I don’t feel the need to judge. If anything, I have a lot more empathy.

I realize that at the end of day, we’re only accountable for ourselves, and it’s none of our business what others do in their personal lives.

Life really humbled me.

In the past, I genuinely couldn't understand why a woman would take off hijab.

To me, it was either you wore it or you were sinning. No ifs or buts.

But as I've grown, I've realized it's not so black-and-white.

Needless to say, life really humbled me.

I certainly didn’t.

If you told me five years ago (heck, even two years) that I was going to take it off, I would’ve never believed you.

I actually never had any qualms about taking it off the whole time I wore it.

But hey, life happens. 🤷‍♀️

Did any of you guys ever think you were going to take it off?

I’ve always wondered what it must be like to take off hijab when you’re married, especially if your husband expects you to wear it. Even beyond marriage, this can apply in families where hijab is strongly expected.

On one hand, I think it’s understandable that someone might feel upset or disagree with that decision, especially when it’s tied to religion. I know my family certainly wasn’t happy when I took it off.

At the same time, people have the right to make choices about their own lives, even when those choices are difficult for others to accept. Just because others are upset doesn't mean they can disrespect you or violate your boundaries.

I guess I’m curious about what it actually looks like to navigate that tension in real life, between personal autonomy and the impact on close relationships.

What do you guys think? How have you had to navigate relationships (family, friends, romantic, etc.) after taking it off?

Something I’ve noticed is how common it is to expect a non-Muslim partner to eventually convert to Islam.

And it is very selfish.

You’re essentially asking someone to change their entire belief system, their identity, and their lifestyle just to be with you. That is no small ask.

Even if it’s “just on paper,” it’s not something to take lightly. You’re still asking someone to perform a religious identity they don’t actually believe in for appearances, for family, or to make things easier.

If Islam is important to you, then be honest about that or only date Muslims. But pursuing someone who isn’t Muslim and then expecting them to convert is unfair.

If you can’t accept your partner for who they are, don’t date them.

If you aren't willing to fight for your partner, don't date them.

Not everyone will be compatible. And that’s okay.

I don’t know if anyone else can relate, but I’m in a weird position because I’m the oldest.

I got a lot of shit for being the oldest and taking off hijab. Especially since my sister wears it. I was supposed to be the “role model”. I’m now seen as a “bad influence”.

My sister told me she feels awkward with me not wearing it while she does.

Even now, I’m still forced to wear it sometimes because it looks “awkward” if my mom and sister wear it, but I don’t. Needless to say, I don’t like going out with my family anymore.

I find this incredibly unfair. As if I’m not allowed to be my own person outside of my family and my role as the oldest.

I know a lot of us want to take it off because we don’t believe it’s mandatory.

But besides that, why else do you want to take it off?

For me, I simply outgrew it. I couldn’t imagine being a very specific way for the rest of my life. Especially when it was a decision I made as a child. Frankly, we’re going to grow and change as people. It’s unrealistic to expect a decision you made as a child to continue into adulthood.

Honestly, even if it was mandatory, I still would’ve taken it off, either because my relationship with religion changed, or because I just don't want to do it anymore. I don’t think you should be forcing yourself to do something just to please others.

The biggest problem with hijab is how all-or-nothing it is.

One of the reasons (among many) why I took it off was that I couldn’t imagine presenting myself in a very specific way for the rest of my life.

If you really think about it, it’s unrealistic to expect someone to be “perfect” in something every single time without any fluctuation whatsoever. Yet people expect this of hijab.

Like, aren’t people allowed to have off days? To take a break? To grow and change as a person? That’s how faith actually works in real life.

Ironically, this exact attitude is what pushes so many women away. When something is framed as “do it perfectly or don’t do it at all,” a lot of people would rather choose the latter. Not because they don’t care, but because the first option feels rigid, heavy, and unsustainable.

Just look at the way hijabis (and especially ex-hijabis) are treated. What sane person would want to do something where they are constantly judged and policed?

Even if hijab was the most important thing in Islam, people are still allowed to struggle with it, or simply not want to do it. People make imperfect choices in every other area of religion and life. Why is hijab treated any differently?

And I know some people will say, “Hijab is for Allah, not people.” But that ignores how human beings actually function. We don’t do anything in a vacuum. If someone's experience with hijab is constant scrutiny, pressure, and judgement, then of course that's going to affect how they relate to it, regardless of their intentions.

Hijab, or anything in life, really, doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. It can be something people grow into, step away from, return to, or figure out over time.

At the end of the day, none of us is perfect. So who are we to demand perfection from others?

I saw someone compare wearing hijab when you don't want to to gender dysphoria. And that is SO true.

Every time I wear hijab now, I feel so much distress and anxiety. Like I'm pretending to be something I'm not. And it's even worse since I still live with family, and am forced to wear it sometimes because my family wants to hold onto the "hijabi" version of me.

Even when I don't wear it, I'm still expected to perform and be something I'm not. I feel like I'm not accepted for who I am.

I wish I had the privilege of not caring what my family thought of me. But that's really hard when you are still dependent on them.

I fully believe that emotional stress eventually affects you physically. And I definitely feel that. I'm chronically stressed and anxious, and I can never fully relax. The only time I feel good is when I'm away from my family.

For me, moving out is not just about independence. But also my health.

Does anyone else feel this way? The mismatch between who you present as and who you really are? Does anyone feel like they cannot fully express themselves?

I wore shorts for the first time.

For context, I can’t even wear shorts in my own house, so this was a pretty big deal for me.

I went out to watch a movie and wore shorts under some loose pants.

At first, I took the pants off before getting out of the car. But then I chickened out and put them back on. I did eventually take them off again right before the movie started.

It felt… a bit weird. I felt like everyone was looking at me, even though that probably wasn’t true.

I think the fact that the theater wasn’t very crowded and it was dark helped a lot.

I ended up putting my pants back on right before heading home.

Overall, it was an uncomfortable but interesting experience. I definitely have a long way to go.

This might sound weird, but I don’t get along with most hijabis.

Now, this isn’t to hate on hijabis, nor am I saying every hijabi is the same.

What I’m saying is that, based on my experience, hijabis tend to be a certain…type?

I don’t know how to pinpoint it. But they almost always tend to be conservative and very religious (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Even if they seem liberal and open. It’s like wearing hijab tends to come with a certain mindset and personality.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. I don’t get along with very religious people, and I feel like that’s how most hijabis are like.