u/Rae2105

Reddit, I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm 27F working in a STEM field in an MNC.

For context- My parents(56M, 54F) are the kind of Tamil Brahmin family who pride themselves about being modern but enforce traditions like isolation during periods, women obey and fast, sons of the family are more important and are more nurtured and many more. My grandmother (86F) has largely been the enforcer of such patriarchal standards in my family and I do not get along with her. My mother and I also do not have a good relationship since there have been many instances of cruelty I have suffered at her hands throughout my childhood including slut-shaming me for being upset that my tailor messed up my saree blouse, kicking me on the stomach until she was restrained when I was already on the ground because I was a 7 year old with big emotions. She hates the fact that I am independent now and doesn't display my obedience to them in front of people and I maintain My distance emotionally as well as physically by living in a different city. My father says my mother does things out of good intentions at best and gaslights me and says I'm mis-remembeing things at worst when my mother and I fight nowadays. Over-all it has been an uneasy peace in my life.

I bit more context about my mother is that she has a lot of ego around being the most self-sacrificing woman who dotes on her daughter, husband and her in-laws. She has kept her career all this while ever since starting when she was in her twenties. She often sees me and my father as an extension of her and most of the fights seem to be because I am supposedly unwilling to comply in her schemes to be known as the best daughter-in-law ever and the best mother ever. I say this because I have seen a pattern of behavior consistent with this like never giving me the comfort I needed when I went to live by myself in a college hostel. Instead when my grades slightly faltered, she basically stated point blank that I'm getting an education in this college because she wanted it. She is letting me stay alone because she wanted it. If I can't live up to her standards she will ruin my life before I ruin it by myself. My relatives do not know this side of her. I had taken to screaming matches with her that she portrays to everyone as the biggest failure of her motherhood. She laments the fact that I am not docile and submissive to everyone who would listen despite herself never being submissive. She has created an image of me being unreasonable and cruel to my relatives because I've screamed at her in front of them.

I am now in a place where I want to marry the love of my life (27M) and partner of many years. I do not want the traditional wedding ceremonies and we intend to marry by suyamariyaadhai thirumanam - a wedding centering self-respect and solemn oath taking of the two individuals without religious tones. I wanted to keep this information between us three ( no siblings.) and not tell my grandmother or aunts about this until things are finalised.

My mother PROMISED that she won't do so. This was a lie to my face. They went to meet my partner and basically told him that I am wrong for not wanting a very involved relationship with his parents (he's uneasy but understands that his parents are traditional people too and won't take well to me.He himself isn't close to them. He knows I'll be cordial and treat them with respect, all be it from a distance) and that he needs to tell me that I have to wear sarees and such to make myself appealing to his parents. Sexism about this aside, they also asked him who's idea it was to do a religion-less wedding (his idea) in anticipation of dismissing it if he said it was from me. When he asked them why they want to talk to him about this as opposed to me, they just said I won't take it well and will make a scene.

I would really appreciate some advice since I am tired and so very alone.