Pedophilia related psychosis/ocd? (OBVIOUS TW)
(throwaway for obvious reasons)
for context I just got out of the psych ward today and got diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar type with psychotic features. (and maybe ocd???) 19m with history of childhood sexual abuse and i used to turn tricks for drug money. I also have high functioning autism (would be considered aspergers if it wasn’t taken off the DSM V as a diagnosis)
i know I’m not a pedo but I have an extreme sexual hang up on power dynamics and age gap relationships. When I was really young (middle school) I found out about shotacon hentai from encyclopedia dramatica and it was the only type of porn I could watch for a long time.
When I was in 4th grade I got molested and it led to bowel related incontinence issues that still bother me to this day. I started abusing stimulants when I was in middle school and started turning tricks to afford drugs, and i eventually left home when I was 15 and started relying on prostitution to get money. This led to a fuckton of really traumatizing sexual encounters that ended up fucking up my relationship with sex for a long time.
im not turned on by children themselves but the taboo of an age gap and my intake of shotacon honestly had me worried I was a straight up pedo up until this last hospitalization.
im going to start making an effort to not watch porn in general anymore just to get my brain to baseline and to kind of Pavlov myself out of this obsessive paranoia. I’m really afraid that if I don’t do it now that I might actually end up being a pedophile.
im on a combination of seroquel and resperidone now and I’ve been sedated enough to help with the intrusive thoughts but the paranoia is still really really bothering me.
has anyone else dealt with this kind of issue?
can someone please give me advice?
I’ve opened up to my mom and my boyfriend about this but honestly it just made the paranoia a million times worse.
i normally would never post about something like this but the paranoia about people finding out and even incarceration is so bad that I dont know where to turn .