I'm tired and I don't know if I can hold on much longer.
This is also a vent post too, so I'm sorry. This whole post will most likely be all scrambled up, im just trying to let my thoughts and emotions out because I can't suppress them anymore.
I'm so so fucking tired. I'm so unbelievably depressed and so unbelievably exhausted. I hate my life so much and it isn't even a joke anymore. I hate myself. I hate how I look, I hate how I talk, I hate my body, I hate the way I think, I hate everything about me dude. the last time I felt happy was September of last year when I was with my now ex. she was the love of my life. I loved her so much. her beautiful blue eyes, her long dirty blonde hair, the way she smiled, the way she would rest her head on her hand, the way she would comfort me when I was crying in her arms, the way she hugged me. I miss all of it so much and I fucked up so bad. I should've talked to her more, I shouldn't have been distant, I should've helped her. she was the only thing that made my life worth living. I talked to her the other day about her mh, and the last time she felt happy. you wanna know what she said? the last time she was happy was with me when we were dating. do you wanna know how fucked I was that night? I cried and cried all night long, I didn't fall asleep until 5 o'clock in the morning. I take substances that I don't even like so that I can feel somewhat normal and not like a depressed, worthless loser. I hate how I am becoming my father, he would snort random pills in front of me, and now I'm doing the same. I don't know if I can mentally hold on anymore. I want to feel happy, I want to experience a life worth loving again. I want my LaiLai back, I want her back so fucking bad. I loved her and I still do. I don't even love myself anymore. I can't take any of this shit much longer. I genuinely do t even know if I'm gonna make it out of HS. I have attempted atleast a dozen times within the past 2 years, 2 landed me in the hosiptal. I am so tired. when will things get better? how can things get better? please I need help I genuinely need help. dm me if you want, or just reply to this post. thank you