Since I have child, it seems like my trauma is coming to surface
I was emotionally abused and neglected by parents. I just need to start writing to get everything out of my chest cuz I am ashamed speaking to somebody because my family always make me look weird and freak.
I was also SA by older girl. I was bullied hard in school but most painful thing is that my parents were cruel to me. I am totally fucked up adult because of that. I feel like trash, like that trashy problematic people you see on tv.
Today I will share two memories that make me cry lately and especially last few days while I am in pms.
My father was alcoholic who stopped but he has boderline personality disorder. He often have mood swings and everybody go on his nerves. When I was child, he did not have patience with me. I loved drinking coke or pepsi and I always would sip in my glass and if there was left few drops I would hang bottle over glass until I got even last drops. My parents were annoyed and told me many times to stop doing that, there is not anything left. One time I was doing that again and my father lost his shit. He told me if I think I miss few drops he will give me whole bottle. So he bring Coca Cola bottle and forced me to drink until I was sick. I was crying and looking at my mom who did nothing except asking him kindly not to. I love my mom really much, she was also his victim of emotional abuse but she never did anything to protect me. He was more important to her than her own child. I will never remember that feeling of humiliation while I was forced to drink Cola.
My best friends were taking dance classes for kids and I would go with them and sit and watch them dance because my parents did not want to give me money to dance class or any other type of activity since we were poor. So i just sit there and watched and dreamed maybe I could dance someday.
When I was little older I was driving in car to visit my grandparents who lived in village , outside of town. We were driving on road , and my legs were little band and I did not have seat belt so my father decide to teach me lesson by intentionally hit brakes so I slammed with my head little. I did not have any visible injury but I start crying again. I felt so small, so miserable. He was smiling and said to me that i need to sit with straight legs and seat belt on cuz he wanted to show me gently what could happen to me .