As my final act of love towards the PhD... i will now push myself even harder one last time
im in my 3rd year, going to start my 4th this fall. 0 publications, i am incompetent as hell. i put in all the hours, do everything my advisor asks me to run. i was bullied my first two years and was put to work with a bitter postdoc during my third. i ended up hating the program i worked so hard for. i think somewhere along the line, everytime i cried in tears about how an academic weapon was reduced to a loser, i genuinely stopped thinking about science and worked like a robot. my work was given to a "smarter" 2nd year and i was put on the next wing of the project. my advisor doesnt know what to do with me (fire me? keep me? idk.) im scared of my career prospects in indutry with basically no pubs.
with tears in my eyes as i type this incoherent rant, as justice for the 16-year-old who dreamt of science, as justice for the sophomore who got her first mini research project and loved it, and as my final act of love, i will give it one last shot.
i think.
idk what else i will do if not.