Failed in Life...
I am a fuckin loser . I am 19M , will be 20 in some months but I have only been a bad person and failure . I have become a failed son according to my parents , a failed brother according to my siblings. I did my matric from local school where I was the topper , considered myself a top and allround student at that time but wo quote hai na " kowain ma mandak " that sits well here. When i came to Lahore for my intermediate, the reality check hit me, I was not the intelligent not even average I would say, did good in Fsc too got good marks but not good enough for my parents, got admission where they wanted and doing what they asked me to, I never had any hobbies or interest or maybe I even failed at building them to, So whatever they asked me to do was good for me. While doing intermediate, my father used to give me examples of kids who are earning lacs and i am sitting here doing nothing kids who got marks better than me and I am doing nothing, my mother always said that too . I am the youngest and the only brother to my siblings . They saw me as a failed brother too , why because I did not know how to drive a car but in reality my father never taught me how to ... Is it not what he should have done ?and a fuckin car tells me my worth .... my siblings would spend money on me and then tell me you are useless you are living on our money ..... My friends .... yeah never had any single person I could go to ... not a single one to tell how I am crushed inside .... School friends thought I am at a distance so I will not be a good friend they left and not just left .... they told me how useless I am and then never socialised ...... I was never worthy enough .... never considered myself worthy enough .... People have one person , atleast one in their life who they can go back to ..... but never found anyone ... cuz I myself is dysfunctional human being ... I got into the university and got the worst grades of my life in the 1st semester and now I am in the second and every day I listened to them saying how I am failure and my father telling me how he expensive is my university and tomorrow is my mid and i do not feel like to study at this point to ... I tried to find some online work but failed at that too...All my life i tried to chin up .... just listen to all of these people.... got hurt .... told them it hurt but they did not listened to .... Bottled up everything in me that I now do not even consider to like live.... I am so messed up at this point.... Never been into any sorts of relationship and never even thought of even liking someone .. why? because if you are not worthy enough ... you are not deserving of love .... cuz in the end what would you do bringing in another person in your messed up shit and you cannot even express yourself properly .... I am not being able to punctual at prayers also .... ruined my relation with GOD as well ...... I do not know why But I am so much away from things now ..... I have lost all interest at this point ..... I am at the point where I do not want to prove them wrong ..... I am just surviving ..... I could not even find a single hobby all my life ..... In the end I am the problem below average student , with below average looks and no bank balance , with no interest in living ..... at this point I just want to survive .... find something that can earn me bread and I be able to afford my fee atleast ..... Wrote all this not for sympathies but to tell and this may not even be the first thought of all the thoughts they have put in my head and I cannot take it anymore.... the worth that will only be measured by how big your pocket is even by your own blood.... forgive my grammar mistakes..