IVF decision at 34 - another retrieval for future options vs moving forward (also struggling with gender disappointment)
Please please don’t judge — IVF + gender disappointment 🙏🧿
Hi everyone. I’m honestly a little nervous to post this because I know how sensitive this space is, and I want to start by saying I come from a place of deep gratitude. I know how hard this journey is, and I don’t take for granted what we’ve been fortunate to have so far.
My husband and I have been trying for about 2.5 years. After going back and forth between doing IVF in India vs. the US, we chose the US since my insurance covers about 75%, and we felt more comfortable with the clinics here.
We just completed our first egg retrieval and ended up with 2 PGT-A tested euploid embryos 🧿🧿 (both male). I truly am grateful we got two healthy embryos. I know that’s not something everyone gets. At the same time, I’ve been feeling a lot of unexpected sadness because I had really hoped that at least one would be a girl.
I also want to acknowledge that we don’t even know if these embryos will result in a successful pregnancy yet so I realize I may be getting ahead of myself. But these feelings have still been heavy, and I’m trying to process them honestly.
We’ve always thought we wanted two kids, but we’ve also talked about possibly being one-and-done depending on how things go. Financially and emotionally, we sometimes wonder if giving one child the best of everything might be the better choice for us vs. stretching ourselves thinner with two.
Here’s where I’m really struggling:
Our doctor suggested doing another retrieval now (I’m 34) to bank embryos rather than waiting until 36. But insurance denied a second cycle, so it would be about $20k out of pocket.
While we are fortunate to be in a stable financial position, $20k is still a meaningful expense for us and not a decision we would take lightly.
Part of me knows this is a practical decision about fertility preservation. But if I’m being completely honest, a big part of my motivation is the hope of having a girl. And that’s what’s making me feel conflicted and even a bit guilty.
- What if we spend the money and still only get male embryos?
- What if we decide later we only want one child — then was it worth it?
- What if we don’t do it now, and I regret not giving myself the chance?
- Will I come to terms with this, or will this always feel like something I missed?
I also feel conflicted because one of the reasons we chose IVF in the US was the option of gender selection — and now that I’m here, I feel bad that I’m not feeling equally excited about my male embryos.
I want to be clear that I don’t see boys as “less than” in any way — I think this is more about an emotional picture I had in my head that I’m struggling to let go of.
I guess I’m just looking for perspective from people who may have been in a similar place:
- Did you go ahead with another retrieval for “what if” reasons?
- Did you regret waiting or not doing it sooner?
- And for those who experienced gender disappointment — did those feelings ease over time?
I’d especially appreciate perspectives from those who had to make a similar decision where finances weren’t the only limiting factor.
Please be kind. I truly respect how hard this journey is for everyone here, and I don’t mean to come across as ungrateful. I’m just trying to sort through a lot of complicated emotions and make the best decision for my future family.
Thank you for reading 🤍