AITA for ending things after finding out he was secretly still married, controlling, and possibly cheating?
Hi, I want to know if I’m the asshole here.
I’m a 21F medical student, and he’s a 32M who works a corporate job. He randomly followed me on Instagram and would react to my stories. I ignored him at first because I wasn’t interested, but one day he commented, I replied, and we started talking.
Early on, he said he was looking for something serious and asked if I’d be interested. I told him that in my culture/religion, relationships involve families, and if he’s serious, he should eventually talk to mine. We come from the same religious background.
We moved to phone calls. He was very talkative—honestly, he talked most of the time and would even cut me off mid-sentence. Once, he made some rude comments about me not knowing my area well, and I had to shut that down. He did apologize afterward.
At one point, I asked if I could set him up with a friend, and he got upset and said he was only interested in me. Around that time, I noticed a ring in one of his older pictures and asked if he was married or in a relationship. He denied it and said I was being weird and judgmental.
We kept talking, and I got attached. Since I don’t date casually, I suggested that if we’re serious, we should decide within three months whether to move toward engagement. He agreed and even said he’d make a final decision around his birthday.
In the middle of all this, my sister found out and told me I should at least inform my mom or do a background check. He didn’t like that my sister knew, which caused tension. We started having frequent arguments, and I would leave and come back because I was confused but still liked him.
As the three-month mark got closer, he suddenly seemed less excited about involving families. That made me uncomfortable, so I ended things and stayed away for about a week.
Then my mom mentioned another proposal, and I realized I wasn’t ready to move on, so I reached out to him again and asked if he could meet my mom.
That’s when everything fell apart.
During that call, I asked him directly if he was in the middle of a divorce. He said yes.
I immediately ended the call and broke down. This man had been telling me he loved me and saw a future with me, but he built everything on a lie.
After that, he kept calling and begging me not to leave. When I confronted him, he admitted he knew I was “fighting for answers” but didn’t have it in him to tell me earlier.
He claimed he was religiously divorced but not legally, and blamed his wife for everything—said she was toxic, caused his weight gain, didn’t do enough at home, etc. But from what I saw, things didn’t fully add up.
I still gave him another chance, but more red flags started showing. He became very possessive—he didn’t like me talking to anyone, even casually, and would get upset over small things. He’d say things like “you’re mine” and didn’t like anyone complimenting me. He also made me delete old Instagram requests and accused me of seeking validation.
I did delete the requests, but I was exhausted from constantly having to prove my loyalty. Eventually, I stopped wanting to talk to him and decided to look into things myself. I also asked my sister for help.
My sister did some digging and found information about him. I ended up getting in touch with his wife, but I didn’t reveal who I was. I spoke as if I was asking for a friend, and she told me everything.
She said he vapes, has always struggled with obesity, and has a porn addiction—to the point where he would cry in front of her about it. She felt pity for him. She also said he fantasizes about other women and doesn’t respect women, which honestly matched what I had started to notice.
The worst part is that he was also talking to another girl while talking to me, and that girl had also reached out to his wife. His wife said she felt bad for both of us and that this is just how he is. She also mentioned that he tends to go after younger girls because he thinks they’re easier to influence.
After learning all of this, I decided to end things for good.
When I confronted him, I didn’t tell him everything I knew—I just asked about cheating. He denied it and said it “wasn’t cheating” because I had left for about a week earlier. I admit I did leave, and I take accountability for that. But at the same time, he was the one claiming he loved me and was serious about me. He shouldn’t have been talking to someone else.
I asked him how he would feel if I did the same, and he said he wouldn’t be okay with it. He got upset just thinking about it.
He kept saying he “forgave me” for the fights and for “disrespecting” him, but I told him if he truly felt disrespected, he could have walked away too. Instead, he stayed while doing worse behind my back.
In the end, I told him I take accountability for my part, but I’m choosing to walk away for good.
There’s more, but this is the main situation.
So… AITA?