Honestly lost
Includes themes of domestic abuse, suicide, and self harm.
Also a VERY long read, sorry.
I (23f) have been working on improving the symptoms of my BPD and CPTSD for many years, I’m on medication, I’m in different therapies, I’ve done so much reading. And I believe I have grown so much over the years and I’m so proud of that. However, when I am in a relationship (which I have been for two years now) things are a lot harder to manage.
Last night my boyfriend (23m) was watching a basketball game with some friends online, and to preface this I had been talking about therapy all day regarding myself. I had been thinking about a few months ago when things got really bad with him (on his part) and I recommended therapy to fix some problems. Actually more like I told him if he didn’t that things would not end well between us, he was very scary at the time and had a drinking problem for a while, which led to some long arguments, some physical violence from him and a lot of me feeling unseen and uncared for. Anyways.. I went to talk to him during an ad break about a therapist I had seen online and I told him I thought this might be a good fit for him to work on his anger issues (and suspected NPD) and whatever else he has going on, he also has some unresolved trauma as well. He got very angry about this, started yelling and saying he didn’t need it and he isn’t going. And proceeded to flip the script on me saying I am the crazy one and I have the long list of diagnosis and he didn’t. I got sad and reminded him how important it was to me that he went and that he promised to give it a try, he however is not that great with me when I’m sad, and when I am sad and antagonized or not properly comforted it can turn into anger. Now usually this anger isn’t THAT bad, but after an hour of him telling me he did not want to argue, and then continuing to argue with me when I had just wanted to go to sleep, and also telling me I am crazy and he wants to break up (he always makes these empty statements and then retracts them later) and all of these other extremely hurtful these things, I snapped. I ran to the other room and just cried, and it was a mix between sadness and betrayal and anger. He followed me in and proceeded to ask me to explain what was going through my head and kept asking all these questions seemingly trying to understand the way my brain functions with bpd and what I’m feeling. So I’m sobbing, and have obviously split on him and I’m telling him all these things, just trying to make it as clear as possible and easy to understand. I went on a bit of a tangent about the things he did today and the things he has done in the past to make me feel a certain way, not blaming, not shaming, just talking about my feelings and wounds that were left unresolved. He started talking about things I did and told him before we were even together, I thought this was weird, and I noticed something was VERY off when he brought up my past addiction. I told him to take out his phone, he was recording the entire thing. He does that. I don’t know why, but I also hate it, I don’t like being recorded in general let alone while I’m crying hysterically and pouring my feelings out. I snapped, I wasn’t so sad anymore, I was full of rage, genuine rage that I haven’t felt in a long time. Again, I have worked so hard on myself and recognizing and controlling reactions and feelings. But he had been pushing me all day and this was the end of the line for me. I yelled at him and told him to delete it, he said no, he doesn’t feel safe. Mind you, I’ve never hit him or hurt him, he has physically abused me in the past. So angrily I say something like “YOU’RE afraid?! I should be afraid you’re the one that did (this) (this) and (this)” and he sat there while recording still, pointing it at my face and said “no I didn’t.. and you can’t even prove it, I wouldn’t do that” and nothing makes me crazier than when someone who knows what they’ve done doesn’t admit it. Which he has before, we have talked about it before. So I tell him put the phone down or I’m going to lose it, he said no and proceeded to put the camera in my face. TRIGGER WARNING (what I did next is absolutely insane and I am aware of this and I’ve literally never done anything like this in all my years) I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and held it to my own neck. I threatened to kill myself if he didn’t delete it and leave me alone. (I am not in danger I do not actively want to harm myself or others) I used this purely as a last resort because in my mind for some reason I thought my world was about to end. I literally just did it because I thought maybe if he cares about my life enough he will listen. (Yes I know that’s batshit insane and an absolutely horrible and manipulative tactic to use in any situation) but I did it. And I’m owning that. He still refused to delete it. I called my mother sobbing my eyes out thinking “if this gets out my life is literally ruined people can not know that I struggle like this” and begged her to do something to mediate and have him delete it SOMEHOW, miraculously it worked, he listened and deleted it. Not before telling her what I’d done though, which made her want to call the police obviously because she was terrified. I spoke to her for like 30 minutes explaining the situation and reassured her I was not going to harm myself. When I ended the call he came back in to antagonize me and tell me to get out (it was 3 am or so and extremely cold out and had just rained, I don’t have a car, or friends in my state, or family) he insisted I leave. I grabbed a bag with a few pieces of clothes and my meds and left, it was freezing. I walked for a while and about 30 minutes in a noticed a man following me. He obviously did not have good intentions, it was dark and street lamps were broken. I tried calling my mother, who was 45 minutes to an hour away, she didn’t pick up, I called my boyfriend multiple times praying he would pick up and he finally did. After about 10 minutes of the man following me my boyfriend showed up in the car and the guy turned into the woods and left. My boyfriend then tells me I can stay for the night and figure it out in the morning, eventually I fell asleep after about an hour of crying and panic and uncertainty. This morning however he woke up, got on his computer for a while, and then came in to ask me when I’d make breakfast. Weird considering he just ended things with me last night and put me in that situation.. I’ve been pretty silent all morning, I made him breakfast, he asked for coffee and I made him coffee, and I’ve just been cleaning up the house since then. He hasn’t looked at me or spoken to me much but he doesn’t sound angry.. he doesn’t sound like anything even happened. And I’m confused, what is this? I’d think a normal reaction to last night would include at least bringing the events up to talk through or something, or having some sort of implied feelings about the situation. I’m still being affected by it physically and mentally, he seems to be his normal self. I don’t understand this response.. I really just wanted to vent, I’m not sure what’s going to happen next. I know a lot of you will comment “you guys need to break up” so don’t waste your breath with that really. Like genuinely… I don’t know what I’m looking for here I just haven’t experienced anything like this before.. have any of you ever had a similar situation in a relationship in any way? Is this normal for people with bpd in relationships or is it because he also has some mental issues going on? Was that all me or was it a mix of both? I’m sorry for the long read and if you did read and leave a comment thank you for your input. I will probably be deleting this soon I don’t know..