I’m an addict and healthcare worker IRL: My thoughts on Dr Langden in tonight’s episode.
First, this is one of the most realistic portrayals of addiction I’ve seen in a minute. I like that it’s not just through the lens of how people see addicts, but what it actually feels like as an addict. There were so many small moments that would go over people’s heads if you haven’t lived it.
I’m in recovery, and that scene where Langden walks out after fixing the patient’s neck and smiles to himself? That hit immediately as I’ve deadass done the same thing after navigating a person through potentially fatal self injuring behavior. (Created a weapon with hospital furniture)
I have a stimulant use disorder, and when I was using, I felt amazing at my job. Fast, efficient, could run 17+ hour shifts, received constant validation and pay check was nice. I didn’t know what it was like to have my job without using so when I got sober, I had immense self doubt. Questioning like… am I actually good at this, or was it just the drugs?
That’s the mindfuck of getting sober. You lose that artificial confidence and don’t know what’s actually you anymore and feels like you are re-learning who you are like you’re stranger. Feels like living with a stranger.
So when he smiled, it didn’t feel like he simply was proud of himself but like relief and affirmation or like he was learning something new about himself. They’ve all have experienced Langden, he may have not for a long time. Like he just proved to himself “I can still do this without opioids.” And also presently with himself.
Also, him taking Advil in the break room like that? Lowkey performative, but in a real way. Like trying to show people “I’m clean,” trying to rebuild trust. And that weird energy after the bathroom. I think to people who are not addicts, it looks suspicious, for me it gave trying to make it through thoughts to want to use again or that “everyone is watching me” shameful feeling.
I feel shame or nervous every single time I use the bathroom around my family as I know they maybe wonder truly what I am doing. I will sometimes even leave the door slightly open to reduce potential fears they may have that may not even be the case at all.
And being back in places where you used before will have your brain going immediately. You can literally see him fighting that in real time when he came out the bathroom as well.
I want to add more but I don’t feel like typing but yes!