Drying Up and Giving In
My baby will be 6 months old tomorrow, and I think I just nursed him for the last time. He struggled to latch correctly from the very beginning, so that on top of my PCOS added up to me never supplying enough to keep him fed. For the first few months, it was all about triple feeding; nurse him, give him a bottle of formula to supplement, then pump to build up my supply. At most, I was only ever able to generate enough to cover maybe 1/3 of his needs while the rest was formula. Never enough to create a freezer stash.
I've been large-chested since I was 13, and I stupidly always assumed that meant that breastfeeding was a given, and that the years of back pain and expensive bras would pay off with an abundant supply of breast milk. Some of the greatest mothers I know were never able to breast feed at all, so logically I knew this didn't make me a failure, but knowing something and feeling something are so very different.
The little guy has always had bad sleep, so the frequent wakeups were leaving me so sleep deprived I was struggling to function. He found nursing so comforting that he was always falling asleep at the breast, but that meant that the night triple feeds were taking forever. It started with pulling back on nursing at night, then I gave up on overnight pumping, then nursing almost stopped altogether and switched to pumping and formula only. I tried to compensate with more frequent pumps during the day, but as he got bigger, it became harder to pump while caring for him (he'd try to kick the flanges off or grab at them, or just needed to be held and they were in the way).
Over the last two weeks, my supply inexplicably dipped a substantial amount, I started getting frequent headaches, and my skin broke out - something is going on with my hormones for sure. It seems like my body wants to wave a white flag and stop with pumping altogether, and I'm trying to manage the heartbreak I was never expecting.
I decided to nurse him this morning before I fully dry up, because I couldn't handle the idea that the last time had passed and I didn't know it. Then, of course, he nursed better than he ever used to. He made happy, relaxed noises, he played with my hand and mouth with one of his hands, and kept releasing his latch just long enough to smile at me serenely before turning back to latch again. I feel so deeply sad and like I'm failing him by not fighting my body on this one.
I know that stopping should make it easier to get pregnant again. I know that it will give me back time. I know I'll finally be able to sleep without a bra again. I know that the breast milk helped him get through the winter and most of the spring without really ever getting sick. I KNOW all these things. I just wish I didn't FEEL like I was failing him and like I'm too lazy and weak to keep fighting for him.