I'm pretty sure I was indoctrinated into a cult
I need to get this off my chest, recently I decided to bite the bullet and look up signs you've been indoctrinated into a cult, and it hit the markers. I just didn't experience all of it because I wasn't there in person. It was the love has won cult. I was indoctrinated 5 fucking years ago. It took me this fucking long to notice. I keep having these automatic thoughts of "truth". It's just fucking mind control, I was so deluded to where I thought there was a fictional character that was me.
I saw a video of Jason threatening and spitting on someone, and heard of the dude who was left naked in the forest. My sense of self was changed, stopped doing things I enjoyed from them not being "high vibe". Even went by a different fucking name. Controlled food was there and I was told to stay up one night. Including being told not to say certain words.
Getting these things out of me is like when Spiderman is pulling off the venom symbiote, except it's lies, manipulation, and control. I thought, " why was this done to me? Why can't I stop thinking you're god? Why can't I make myself? Why can't I just let this go?!"
I feel lost, I feel depressed, idk if heaven or he'll exists anymore, or if it all just goes black. I dont fucking know anymore. I feel lost but ik my life is just gonna keep going on and I just need to deal with it.
Thinking she wasn't god, or Jason wasn't either made me feel guilty, like a traitor, and I was afraid to question it, to ask them. I was indoctrinated at 16 or so, I'm 21 now. I feel like apart of my life has been robbed, like I've been doing nothing. Like that time was stolen from me, and I still can't help but wonder, what if she is? And it's hard to keep pushing these thoughts out of my head. I honestly feel like crying and apart of my life has been a lie. I thought I was doing such "amazing" things. But look at what they did?
Fuck. What do I do? I've considered therapy.