u/Ok-Evening1748

I recently discovered that I might have alexithymia - since it's self-diagnosed, there is still a shadow of doubt. I've learnt over the years that I had trouble being vulnerable which is the very basis of deep friendships. I did a lot of inner work to show myself that I'm allowed to feel all feelings - however I find it hard to access what I'm feeling in the moment especially in the presence of someone so I can't be vulnerable and authentic in the moment - and small talk drains me. I need A LOT of time to understand what I'm feeling and this is not conducive to making authentic friends. And this is all the more difficult in groups, so joining social groups hasn't brought me much success either. So it seems like I either fake it which I don't want to do anymore or continue being alone which I can't do anymore. I was wondering if anyone has insights on this or similar struggles?