What changed for you after taking MDMA?
Hello everyone, I’m a 34F and I truly do not have anyone to talk about this. 😅 I need the collective perspective here.
I have been having new somatic responses to trigger topics, and the only thing that I can connect this to is the MDMA ego death I had a few months ago.
Backstory: I have pretty severe CPTSD from being raised in a cult, and do cycle through depressive episodes, but I am a generally healthy, fulfilled person. I have a fantastic therapist who I see every week. I do not partake in anything other than an occasional drink and an occasional gummy.
In December, my husband and I micro dosed MDMA. I have never taken it before, and even at the microdose, I was sure I was going to die. I thought I was gonna lose myself and become a shell of a body. The only thing that has come close to this experience was when I was giving birth to my kid. The birth was a beautiful experience and I recognize the ego death/rebirth that took place at that event.
I took it twice more in smaller doses that week, and had milder experiences (and great sex lol)
In the weeks that followed, I felt a sense of peace and acute awareness of my relationship with the world.
However, in the last couple months, I am experiencing an uncontrollable, somatic response to trigger topics. What I mean by this is, when I talk about my experiences in religion, my heart rate goes up, and I feel nausea, followed by a sense of doom. It feels similar to how I felt in December. I have been able to kick myself out of it by walking away or distracting myself, but it has become an acute experience.
Yesterday in therapy, I was talking about my past and began to shake and get lightheaded. Last week my husband brought up wanting to explore religion for himself and I ended up retching in the bathroom.
TL;DR
Acute somatic symptoms to trigger topics following MDMA in December, wondering if this is normal or if anyone has felt this way after MDMA.
If you had this, what tips or insight can you share?
I deeply appreciate hearing your experiences!