u/Octoje

Edit: it was 10mg not 100

I'm feeling okay now, but I didn't expect weed to cause this sort of high. It felt like a bad trip on some psychedelic. I don't view it as bad necessarily, but it was unpleasant for sure. And definitely not what I thought I signed up for.

Anyway, I had a gummy with my friend. I think it was 100mg? We were just watching a TV show and after a while, I noticed that things were funnier. It felt like I was being pulled by a string that caused me to laugh a bunch. It was fun. Immediately I begin examining the high, taking note of and talking about all the various altered experiences I was noticing. When objects started looking weird and I started perceiving them differently, that's when I began to spiral and think this isn't just weed. I felt reality wavering in a way that's impossible to describe with words.

My friend calmed me down and insisted it was just weed. I remembered reading about a grounding technique intended for shroom trips, to feel something tactile, so I asked if I could hold her hand. I made circles with my thumb on her palm, feeling all the grooves on her skin, and before I knew it, I gained awareness of my surroundings again. I was still a bit frazzled, but the panic subsided and at least I had the opportunity to tell myself "this is temporary, I'm just high, you're okay." The trip did not end there, but I think that little pause kept me sane.

Now that I wasn't panicking anymore, I thought it would be fun to experiment and play around with my consciousness as I watched it change by trying to control the high. When I did any sort of metacognition, I noticed the dissociation start to come back, and whenever I grounded myself, I could watch reality start to form again. This was a mistake!!! This was my one opportunity to bring myself back and just chill and have a good time, but by messing around I completely lost control. The rest of the time, I kept going in and out of lucidity. She tried to keep me distracted with card games and drawing and other such activities, but I was only able to process what she was even saying for a few seconds at a time.

I kept having these looping thought patterns. Over and over again, I would feel my self shattering into a million pieces where I'd enter some intermediary dimension for an eternity before reconstituting briefly. I remember I went to the bathroom, and when I came out I aksed her how long it had been. I was so confused when she said it was only a couple minutes. I said I felt like I was in there for six lifetimes.

I sat back down and I just kept doing that, over and over. Part of me wanted to allow it to happen and sit through it, but another part of me wanted to fight it and bring myself back from it. My friend asked at one point if I was okay, and I think she had to ask a few times, but when I answered, I answered her in the third person. That's just what felt completely natural in that moment. It was as though I had the choice whether or not I wanted to fabricate a sense of self so I could immerse myself in this reality, which I perceived as only an illusion. Everything seemed so trivial and silly and I wondered why I continually decided to return to this. But seeing her talking to me, I decided I had a responsibility to come back because there are other people who don't understand. I chuckled and told her, "(my name) is fine. He's coming back."

It wasn't me saying those words, it felt like somebody else making a decision for me that I was too young or naive to understand right now. It felt compassionate but strict, like I was a tough parent for myself. I knew that everything would be okay even if I wasn't okay, if that makes sense. From then on until the high came down, I tried to be aware that my friend was high too and was expecting a relaxed and fun evening that my reaction to the edible was affecting. It prevented me from fully leaning into the depersonalization and I'm not sure whether that was a helpful thing or not.

Anyway, I definitely did not respect the drug I was taking. I didn't think I had to. I look back at it as an interesting experience that I think I handled ok. I stayed right on the edge of keeping my sanity. As scary as that may sound, I don't think I'm averse to trying it again, just paying attention to set and setting next time. Not for a while though! I gotta process all that first and I'm busy with school and work anyway.

Thx for reading my rant.