Gastroparesis and Bulimia
Hello, I've posted here before but this is more desperate. I've been diagnosed with gastroparesis for 2 years, and recently this year, I find myself in a never ending pattern of eating (knowing it physically cannot/will not stay down for over 30 minutes), being sick, and then eating more right after. The cycle never ends; as a teenager I did struggle with bulimia, but in my twenties I thought I would be past that. My health insurance is running out in a few months, and the grief is too much. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I'm in therapy, but I feel like no one can understand the pain of this besides for the community. I don't know if I should even ask for help; maybe this is a confession; a cry for help. I'm just so sick and tired of living like this. I so badly wish one day I can just wake up and be able to eat again. I hate that I'm doing this to myself, it is in every way self harm, but I can't stop. Please tell me someone else here has dealt with this and I'm not going crazy. I'm surrounded by family and coworkers openly talking about how badly they wished they had my body, and no one takes me seriously when I say I would do anything to be overweight again. My legs can't touch, all of my bones pop out, I feel disgusted in my own skin I can't deal with the suffering this cycle is causing me, but I can't stop. I feel utterly hopeless and alone. My teeth are even more chipped. I know I'm ruining my body more but I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. I'm having referral troubles getting my peg gj tube back, solely because of the short time I have left on insurance, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Please someone tell me I'm not alone. If anyone has advice I'd really appreciate it. Thank you so much everyone for everything