u/NoviceTheNeek

When I was around 17, I was in a relationship with my girlfriend, who was a year older than me. We were both in high school. During a rough time in our relationship, she was adjusting to a new school and dealing with personal struggles, but I misunderstood her distance as her dismissing me. We eventually talked it out and stayed together.

Around that same time, I became close with a female classmate because of school activities. She knew I had a girlfriend, and while I didn’t intend to pursue her, I talked to her often and flirted in a joking/friendly way. Looking back, I know it crossed boundaries and was disrespectful to my relationship. My girlfriend later found out, confronted me, and although we stayed together, it deeply hurt her. It took me a while to fully cut contact with the classmate since we were still classmates, but I eventually did.

Years later, my girlfriend read our old conversations, and all the pain resurfaced. She was angry and devastated, but she still chose to stay with me. Since then, I’ve carried guilt every day and have tried hard to rebuild what I broke. Sometimes our relationship feels loving, healthy, and normal again—but when she gets triggered, she becomes extremely angry, insults me, disrespects me, and says hurtful things about me and even my family.

I understand I made mistakes and hurt her, but I feel trapped. I’ve tried leaving for both our sakes, but neither of us can let go. I still love her deeply and can’t imagine life without her, but I feel lost, emotionally numb, and broken. I don’t know if she still truly loves me, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

i was around 17 that time, and my gf was a year older than me. we were in high school that time. we had a misunderstanding where in she was adjusting in a new school and she couldnt really figure out herself by that time since she was going through stuff that time. and i was really dumb for seeing beyond that and i thought she was dismissing me and my feelings. but we cleared it up and we were okay after that. at that time, i was part of my high school class governement and there was a fellow classmate of mine (a girl) whom which i talked to a lot considering that we had school activities and what not. at first i thought she was just friendly but i was dense. she was into me and she was aware i had a girlfriend. and i talked to her almost everyday (due to school reasons and friends what not), and i flirted with her (jokingly/friendly manner), but i had no intentions at all of pursuing her or what not. because looking back, my intentions were to be friendly and kind, but i really did flirt with her at the time i was with my girlfriend. my girlfriend found out, and we talked about it and it was cleared up, it took me a while to cut her off since she was still a classmate until around the end of my highschool but i did cut her off. but it was bothering her ever since, ever since she told me she had bad feelings about her or something. but i was wrong, i made a mistake. i was aware of what i did. i failed to protect my relationship, i failed to be the man my girlfriend needed. it took her 3 years to find out and read all of our conversation with the girl that liked me. and i think im suffering the consequences now. when she found out of course shes filled with anger, filled with rage, filled with so much emotion. but she gave me a chance. were still together right now, and im really trying to fix what ive broken. and i really regretted everything that ive done and i feel guilty every single day. im trying to make it up to her everyday but it seems like my efforts are going into nothing. every other day, or once/twice a week i guess we go throught his cycle where in were happy together. it really seems like were happy and were in a healthy relationship. we show love to eeachother, we act normally like we used to be. but when she gets triggered by the smallest thing, she blows up and gets angry. starts cursing me, disrespecting me, shaming me, and even assumed that im in a family full of cheaters because my cousin cheated as well so she concluded that. i mean, i can handle all the hatred and anger she has. to the point where she steps on everything, she steps on my pride, my ego, my own self-worth. my friends are telling me that even if i made a mistake, this doesnt give her the right to do that. i mean i understand what i did, and i really am so dumb and so wrong. ive tried leaving her for her own sake, ive been trying to make her understand that i should leave but she doesnt want me to. she gives me conditions for me to leave. but even i myself cant leave her, because i really love her. i cant imagine my life without her. and her as well, cant bring herself to leave this relationship. she tells me she loves me at times, but i dont know. im pretty lost, and im still trying to figure myself out. i feel numb and i just cry everytime we argue. im sorry if this is too long i have so much to say.

i cant fix it. i cant leave. she doesnt want to leave as well. but i still love her. im not sure if she loves me back. im just so lost on what to do. if you made it here in the end, thank you for taking your time to read this, i appreciate it.