u/Normal_Chapter_3002

I (34F) have a therapist but don't feel comfortable sharing this with her, so I thought I'd make an anonymous post here and confess. I need to tell somebody to understand things and work through my shame and guilt.

I remember that when I was in kindergarten, a few of my classmates (M) and I would show each other our private parts and encourage each other to touch them. I don't know who started it. I remember encouraging another classmate to show hers and she didn't want to, so she didn't. So maybe it was just one other classmate and me? I think that the boy would have me touch him and would ask to touch me? Maybe it was the other way around.

When I was in middle school/early high school maybe, my sisters and I played "house" a lot. Recreating things we'd seen on TV, in public, etc. I remember seeing a man pinch his girlfriend's butt while she danced at a sporting event, I tried to mimic that with my sisters. I'd kiss them, touch them, and have them touch me. I don't know how much of it they were okay with themselves and how much of it they weren't okay with. They are 4 - 5 years younger than me. I also know they played similarly amongst themselves.

I was at that age where my classmates would sort of date people (as much as one can in middle school), had boys who liked them, etc. I always felt unattractive and no one showed interest in me, nor was I allowed to date anyway, and I think I wanted to explore/experience these intimate things because everyone else seemed to.

In college, I was molested a few times by strangers. I remember telling a friend a cousin had molested me (but he didn't - and this is not something that ever made it out of that conversation), and I don't know why.

I am ashamed and feel guilty for how I treated my sisters. I have never apologized to them because I'm ashamed to bring it up. I feel horrible. I don't know if I was just like this and I have a problem, or if something happened to me that started this. I have a daughter of my own now and because the world is a horrible place, I think of all the things people can do to her. I have intrusive thoughts so also think about touching her inappropriately but not because I want to! I also have intrusive thoughts about being raped. I think at some point, I started thinking about it in the context of my partner protecting me or being upset this happened.

When I (F, POC) was in middle school I was very much a teacher's pet with almost all of my teachers (mostly female). One of the teachers (F) was great in that she gave me good grades even when I was failing math...which sucked in the long run obviously.

Another one of my teachers, (M, Caucasian), would have me search for trips, hotels, concert tickets (REO Speedwagon LOL) for him and his then-girlfriend (now wife). He had children that were I think younger than me and then more recently had twins with his ex-wife. I'm not sure if he cheated with the girlfriend or if she came after. He was much older, at least in his 50s and I was 12.

He would also ask me to grab his lunch from the teacher's lounge, warm it up, and rinse the tupperware out/clean it.

I'd do this all during class time. I was done with my work quickly so this wasn't taking away from my learning and it made me feel special. I also helped his kindergarteners do their homework because they skipped nap time and came up to his classroom instead (this was a K-8 school).

Looking back at it, I'm sure NONE of this was appropriate. I just hate that it happened and wonder if this impacted me in a million ways, and if my life before this led me to being in that position of basically being his maid.

I'm angry and also sad.