Been married 2 years, together 3 years, I love my wife but dont know what to do (30 M)
i got married almost 2 years ago. Met my wife on Bumble. Neither of us had ever been in a proper relationship before and never had sex before. I was 27, she was 25. I struggled with anxiety and depression all my life but finally met my person. We got married after 10 months from our first date. And here we are.
She loves me more than I think anyone has ever loved anyone. She is crazy about me. She says I’m a part of her, physically, mentally, and she can’t imagine life without me. She has abandonment anxiety, a lot of anxiety, she never thought a guy would love her because she thought she was too hairy, overweight. She never thought her dream would come true. And now she thinks it has. She thinks everything is perfect.
And honestly - Everything IS perfect. She takes care of me in every single way. Not one complaint. I genuinely think I couldn’t have married a more kind human being. I would die for her. She would die for me. That’s not an exaggeration.
Except for one thing. And it’s affecting me a lot slowly.
Sex. We are just completely different people when it comes to this.
And I want to be clear, it’s not one thing. It’s personality. It’s drive. It’s values around intimacy. It’s the kind of thing that comes from 30 years of upbringing and insecurities.
I want sex every day or every other day. Many times I’ve initiated and she’s said “we just had sex yesterday” or “we did it the day before.” Like in her mind that’s recent enough. After the first few months passed, she has never sadly made me feel like she’s craving it. I’ve communicated this. She tries for a bit. But then the old patterns come back.
Whenever she gives me a blowjob or a handjob, she never looks into it. She’s never present in it. And the moment I’m about to come, her first priority is the tissues and making sure nothing gets on the bedsheet. I can see it on her face. The ick. She immediately reaches for tissues, there’s this visible relief when she can clean up. I’ve told her this. She says no. But it is what it is, it’s obvious and it hurts me. I pull out and come away using tissues, even if a little bit gets on her, she is quickly getting a tissue to clean it offer her. It just hurts.
I lick her everywhere because I love her taste, I love going down on her fully, her cum, everything on my mouth because I want to, because to me that’s what intimacy looks like. She knows that. And I do not feel at all she doesn’t do the same for me. I’m not even asking her to. But if I were in her position I’d do it without even being asked. Because that’s how I feel about her. And that difference in values, it just hurts.
There have been specific moments. She asked me not to put my hand on the duvet right after I fingered her. Little things like that, her anxiety about mess and bodies just wins every time. I can feel which thing wins.
I’ve communicated all of this. Multiple times. She makes some effort because she loved me. Then same things happen again. Because honestly, she doesn’t feel like anything is missing. From her perspective nothing is bad. She’s never asked me “is there anything I can do better?” Sexually she doesn’t think in those terms.
She has no idea how much I’m hurting. She thinks this is the best decision she’s ever made. And I’m scared to tell her the truth because I know what it will do to her. Her whole sense of being lovable and wanted is tied up in me. If she hears that her husband has been lonely in this marriage for the last 6 months or so, I don’t know what that does to her, I cant break her heart, I just cant.
I’m not here to bash her. She is a genuinely beautiful person. This isn’t about blame.
I just feel unwanted. Lonely. In a marriage full of love. And I don’t know what to do?? I feel so fucking guilty. Like I have perfect wife so maybe its me who is flawed??
My eyes become wet just thinking how it would break her heart, i cant see her sad. Sometimes I think we both should have waited more before committing, maybe this could have been done more slowly because initially she was more spontaneous in sex and didn’t make me feel this way.
I like to drink sometimes snd when we met she didn’t show me how much she despises it even she did say she hates it. but it got worse after months of marriage and now im allowed to drink after a month or 2 because of her past bad experiences with people who drank (i dont blame her), but all of this is just really making it hard for me. I wish we could drink together sometimes even occasionally and have fun but even that isn’t an option.
Recently ive been ending up fantasising about other women very often, specially when I see someone attractive, but I feel so fucking guilty and a terrible human being after. I NEVER ever want to be unfaithful, never. I could never do that to her.
Tl;dr: I need sincere advice. I dont know what to do with this loneliness?