u/No_Chapter_2169

Its so stupid that in EVERY community I'm in, wether it be Femboyism, cosplay, or LGBTQ+ community, I either

A. Never see a hint of representation

Or

B. See the tiniest drop of representation and see someone get flamed.

And its all because of my skin color.

I hate being black

I look at people with lighter skin than mine and wish that by some miracle I could get their beautiful skin, but Im stuck with my "ugly charcoal skin" as kids from school say, and they're right. I even saw a prime example today when I was scrolling Instagram, with me coming across a post of a black femboy and the top comment being "2/10 bc of skin color" with it even having more likes than the post itself. I wish I could just be reborn or something. Without darker skin. I could just rip it off and have lighter skin underneath. I might just try bleaching or something because I don't want to live with this ugly skin anymore. I could become more feminine, I could fully transition, I could become the most beautiful person in the world, but no one would love me because of my skin.I see white femboys with people going crazy for them in the comments because of their beautiful hair, eyes, thighs, skin, and lips, while meanwhile I have horrible hair, bland deep brown eyes, thighs that seem to never get plush now matter how hard I train them, ugly dog poop skin, and big monkey lips. Don't even get me started on my horrible hair. It takes an extremely long time to grow and even then It can't be versatile and feminine like, type 2a hair for example. When white people dye their hair it looks cool. I've always wanted to do it. But then if I try I know ill look ugly. Ill always be ugly. I'll never be pretty by anyone's standards.

I'm unlovable.

So since I was a tiny 6th grader, I got close with some friends that were considered "slightly popular" (Early 6th grade I would only talk to one kid who later moved away) and ever since then, I've stayed Close with a group of 3 kids (Lets call them Jeremy, Harold, and Thomas) now these kids have stayed relatively nice, but one thing that has ALWAYS gotten on my nerves is their blatant homophobia and slightly racist remarks. Just this school year, Harold told me he's "kinda sorta maybe slightly homophobic" and they also always make monkey jokes about me. They have gotten more popular over the years, and then we always hang out, and for some weird reason a group of 7 kids always wants to hang out too(Jeremy calls them "the goobers"), but they're 50 times worse than Harold (middle school boy humor,even though we aren't in middle school) however, last year I got into backstage theater with one of the only " goobers" that I like talking too, this kid named Sean (fake name ofc) and we started being a UNIT for the performances, mostly all of this stuff has happened with the last 2 weeks, after my school's last performance of the school year, these theater kids created a group chat with both the cast and backstage, and me and Sean were in it. At first I wanted to leave, because the "popular kids" were like, "don't hang out with the underclassmen they're annoying" but since slot of them were pretty chill I decided to stay in. Me, Sean and 2 other guys were the only boys I urge chat, and these kids would always say that "boys shouldn't hang out with girls cuz that makes them an [F-slur] but I ignored that replay in my head and kept chatting. First we did some small stuff at school, but now we have weekly gets togethers at places in our town, and its chill. I do volleyball with the " popular kids" during lunch, but only because most of the theater kids are so Vastly different from each other off the stage. I mentioned today that I went to our towns little strip mall with my group of 12 or so theater kids, and then Harold got mad and said I should have invited him. I wanna spend more time with these underclassmen because our school is doing these weird thing next year where all of the 9th graders do 10th grade somewhere else because of some weird thing they're trying (Idk its stupid) so I won't see most of the underclassmen theatre kids for a while, but then ill still have the other ones I can still hang out with. I kinda don't know which group I should be with. Its like polar opposites. And this late into the school year, I won't see them for a year which is slightly annoying right as I'm actually trying to bond with these people.