Terrible childhood and inability to recover and be happy
This post is going to be messy as I am just writing down what I am thinking with no actual plan to express my ideas
I don’t know where to start but i am writing this post here to express how I am feeling - 11/04/2026.
I am extremely ashamed to tell this to anyone or even writing it I don’t want to even go into heavy detail even typing it because of how embarrassed and ashamed I am.
I had an okay upbringing from age 0 to 6 very average no problems but my father was overseas and never in my life. It was only at age 7 that I remember seeing him for the first time but that didn’t last long, he died when I was age 9 and even with that, he was always away and I barely got to see him when I was actually around him.
He was so absent from my life that I grew up thinking it was normal not to have a father.
My father died due to an accident and with his death, my mother beyond the shock that she was having, she became aware that my father was having an affair with a lady for long time. This explains why he was never home too.
This is my first run ins with misfortune and that is not having a father figure ever.
Since my father died and he was the only person working in my family, we began to struggle financially and me and my siblings were too young to work. My mother does not know how to speak English as we are immigrant family and because of this, we struggled financially.
I don’t blame my mother for anything, she tried her absolute best to raise 5 children despite the extreme shock of losing her husband and finding out after his death that he was having an affair.
After my father’s death, we went to our country of origin and we stayed there for about 2 years till coming back again for better life. No money just living on welfare and sometimes my extended family from overseas would send money. We moved houses a lot during this period and it made me miss a lot of school days and further stopped me from developing both socially and academically.
Things stayed like this for another 1 or 2 years. Now I am at the age where I will be starting high school.
My high school life was very terrible I had to endure 6 years of verbal abuse by group of people who i as naive as I was, sort of considered them friends.
When I say 6 years, I mean every single day Monday to Friday school hours and online too. But this wasn’t physically bullying, this was just verbal and petty stuff. Not knowing how to deal with verbal insults, thought it was just how friends are and how they roast each other but looking back now this was obviously different.
The issue of what it was, there was one specific person in that group who was the devil himself he was the one that made things a lot worst. A lot of humiliating and petty stuff was done to me.
\- ripping my book
\- sneezed on my face
\- laughing at me in social situations
\- ripped my necklace by “accident”
\- stabbed my leg with pen
\- threw spray can on my head
\- kicked my bag
\- calling me names and worst than his shit
\- staring at me to make me feel uncomfortable
\- spat on my leg
\- encourages that group to make fun of me
\- forcing me to buy him basic stuff under $5
\- attempting to grab my balls on multiple occasions
A lot more has happened than what I listed above but my mind probably wiped it out due to how traumatic it was for me. If I think really hard I can list at least 200 points.
What kills me is I never stood up for my self because I did not know how to interpret the situation. As obvious as it seems now, back then it was much harder for my younger self to figure out exactly what’s going on.
I remember one day, it was the end of the day and I happen to go toilet and he just happens to come to the toilet too. Instantly he wanted to spar me for some reason and I kept saying no before he slapped me - I got angry as now in my brain I understood this as physical attack and I threw a right hook at him not full power but as warning and that rocked him and he stopped trying to spar me. After that we walked him home together (we lived nearby) and the whole way he was talking smack and even spat next to my leg because he was so upset that I punched him.
Every time I think about the whole thing it kills me with pain and guilt. I could have crushed him within seconds and I am not just talking myself up, I am extremely self critical, and really would have killed him within seconds. I had many instances like that where I could have beaten him badly but never did.
My inability to understand social situations and me not wanting to cause any trouble has not allowed me to ever stand up for myself and I hate myself very badly for this.
After high school finished, I come to find out this person was diagnosed with schizophrenia, bi polar, and OCD. This explains how manipulative he was and why I didn’t know what to do. One day we would be friends the next he would do something extremely petty or humiliating - it was all a strategy from the start. He is just pure evil and does not have the same thinking pattern a normal human has.
I didn’t care much about what he was diagnosed with as the damage in me was already done. The years of abuse has made me develop depression and social anxiety. I pretty much just played games and isolated in my room.
When I went to university everyone was nicer but my nervous system is already fucked and I am already scanning for threats and never got close to anyone.
Also at this time I began to work dead end part time job while I study and our financial situation started to improve a lot.
I only went to university for bit then COVID hit and everything was online and although I was happy at the time I don’t have to see anyone, this was terrible for me as I isolated even more.
I graduated university and got full time job and did extremely well for myself financially working 2 jobs sometimes even 3 jobs and later on I got promoted in my main job that is much more social requiring me to do presentations and have daily meetings.
I notice people look at me weird and sometimes even smirk or giggle at me. What they don’t realise is that my mind is always on fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. I am not trying to come off as weird but I cannot ever relax.
I can never truly relax and be myself even at home the damage is that severe.
The way I like to thing about it was the lose of my father is the idea of constructing a building. The years of verbal abuse is the actual construction of the building. The isolation and weird looks people give me is the furniture and decoration of the building. - the opening of the building of “extreme pain and misery” happens with my death.
My only hope in life was that God can see the pain I am in and would help me or reward me for what I endured once I die but funny enough, couple years ago, I studied religion and I know for complete fact that there is no God and no one can ever change my mind. I am not trying to sound edgy I studied abrahamic religions for couple of years and my decision is cemented nothing can be said to make me believe in God.
With that, my fate seems to be sealed and there’s no coming back.
I don’t even know how we are in 2026. I don’t remember a lot of years because of how much I disassociate and I forget a lot of years. Life is pretty much a blur to me now feels like am not real or in weird game.
Lately I have been feeling also detached someone could be talking to me and it goes thru one ear and out the other. Stuff that I used to like doing I have lost interest in now and I really believe this is now severe depression and it’s only a matter of time. If I was in US right now I would have purchased a high powered rifle and blown my head off.
I am 26 years old and my brain is extremely fucked, the guilt and just emotional pain that i ignored for years is destroying me and i have nothing to be happy about and i want to exit this world forever, never to be alive ever again.
Before, the love for my family and mother would stop me but now even that i disregard now and just want to exit the world.
I am giving myself til mid way of 2027, in this time I will continue to work and save up for my family so they will have access to all the money I saved up and also my 3 other younger siblings will be old enough that they can be financially independent (they are still studying at the moment and are almost done).