I truly can’t tell if it’s me or her..
So I can’t put my long story into short. But in my adulthood, after some therapy, addiction, healing, boundary building and trying to be the best & happiest “self” i can be.. I just keep coming to the thought, my mom might be narcissistic. This is so long.. If anyone reads this.. Thank you & sorry I just can’t tell if it’s me or her..
About 8 yrs ago i told my parents i had an addiction the last 3 yrs & needed help with accountability cuz I couldn’t fix it myself. I did get clean after 4 yrs. I hoped not to get anyone else involved in my issue & to just have it be a stupid blip in my life journey.. but I needed emotional support mostly.
About 3 yrs ago my dad was taking me somewhere, and asked “Why did you lie about blah-blah?” I cant remember what it was, but i laughed & said i didnt lie i just didnt text ALL the details in the family chat.. He said “Well i can never tell, you lie SO much! Geez..” this shocked me & hung in my mind for a yr cuz it was such an odd thing to say. My son a yr later overheard a convo about it with my fiance & said grandpa wouldn’t just say that. Just talk to him if I’m upset about it. ( my sons such a thoughtful & smart kid. :)
A few days later after an ice storm my son & I go to help my mom & some lady’s do a benefit for the workers help keep our power going through this massive storm. Mom says “why did you lie about not waking ur fiance up to get gas last week? Cuz you went home and woke him up anyway!” I laughed & said I didn’t want to wake him up cuz he works at ups at 2:30 & it was 11pm. The gas station was closed when I got there, so I asked you if you had a gas can cuz he worked in 2 hours.. since you didn’t I DID make it home, but he could NOT go to work anyway cuz gas stations aren’t open at 2am.. so I woke him up to tell him. So I didn’t lie abt anything.. I just didnt text all that in the family text.
My mom.. as like dad, didnt say “oh sorry for the misconception, or the assumption.. she says “Well you just lie so much about EVERYTHING.. we just never know!”
I was SO glad my son was in the car! His head popped up front with the WIDEST EYES like “I just heard that! What the actual HECK!?” We discussed it later with lots of shoulder shrugging.
I don’t have a past of lying except I’m DEF the person to say I’m almost there if I’m just half way there.. because I’m awful at being on time. I still work on this.
Then after finally leaving the family business ( for many reasons I can never admit to the family.. or explain on this topic ) I did, and it was a HUGE boundary I needed to set & it’s still one of my proudest decisions to date. Upon talking to my parents about it. My mom said “well I STILL haven’t forgiven you for your addiction” this stuck with me.. Yes I do understand addiction doesn’t just hurt the addicted, but can affect their family, friends & all relationships.. But it was said in a “your issues affected ME” kind of way. Almost like she was dismissing that I also went through this, and tried not to involve them as much as possible so I DIDNT affect them. So again this stuck with me.
Lastly just last week, my mom says she’s worried about me & I don’t come over enough. Which is true.. I always mean too, but I don’t. My grandma ran a close family. Her rules were followed & we all lived to impress her. Even my mom was intimidated by her. The entire town was if they worked for her. As we own a big restaurant in a small town, so even after her retirement to my parents, she was always the queen Elizabeth of our family.
During this visit ( after being separated from the family business a bit ) I decided I’m going to confront some of the above conversations because.. When my mom says she’s “worried for me” it’s always said in a way that I’m not doing what she’s expecting of me, and she needs a moment to express this.. Not because I’m actually acting in a way that should worry someone.
So I did.. express the topics above. And mom said “she loves me very much. But ever since I was a kid, she felt like she never gets the full story with me, or I gloss over things and she never knows what I’m doing and she’s worried I’m on in addiction again, Then she asked if my fiancé was or if he’s really just that outgoing, and said I just need to come around more or explain more so they don’t have to always be wondering how I’m doing..
Now.. instead of setting boundaries I have ANOTHER wtf moment on my brain! They hate my long texts.. we’re all too ADD to read them.. And addiction was never an on & off thing in my life. It took 3 yrs of my life & mostly I wasn’t addicted as much as stuck because withdrawing is ABSOLUTELY frightening! So once I felt normal, I was safe.. I’m scared of taking ANYTHING that might cause any addictive side effects! I don’t hide anything.. why can’t they just ask me to explain more? Or ask identifying questions for me to answer? Why do they have to assume the worst or that I’m lying? I can’t tell if it’s me or them?
I stood up for myself ONE time yrs ago, and my mom cried and said she should’ve listened to her therapist and packed her bags and drove until she couldn’t drive anymore, because obviously we’d all be better without her. And she just wants to DI3!
So I’m horrified of getting this reaction ever again.. So I can’t stand up for myself TOO far.. I have to do it in baby steps.. but it’s so exhausting.. I just.. don’t know what they want from me & this is so long.. i just wondered if this is common, or if I’m the jerk? If you got this far thanks for reading. lol!