Forgotten
I knew you set your mind to forget.
The tears on your face.
The photos on the table.
The silence that followed.
After reconnecting, I began to notice that your memory cleanse was quite successful. I felt a bit sad, but mostly, I felt relief. If that is what needed to happen for you to build the beautiful life you have now, I am grateful for it.
Today, I saw the preview of a text from you on my lock screen. It said you had forgotten a certain trait of mine. This trait had been a point of contention between us from the very beginning. That short text hit me life a knife in the gut. In that moment I realized that you didn’t just forget some, or even most of it. You forgot ALL of it.
And why did that hurt so much? What kind of ego must I have to hope you remember any of it?
Over the next couple hours, I talked myself down. It’s actually a good thing. It’s part of what got you to where you are now. You are happy. It’s the best case scenario. I’m just jealous because I can’t forget.
It was already working. I was already starting to feel better after only a couple hours. But should a pain like that feel better after a couple hours? How much are my coping skills helping me work through my feelings and how much of it is just gaslighting myself into stuffing those feelings away? Is this the source of my own inability to forget?