I apologize for this post in advance. But all of these thoughts are in my head and I just need to get them out and hopefully other teachers can share their thoughts or experience.
I was a teacher. Fourth grade one year, kinder the next. I had my son at the end of my second year, and chose not to go back for various reasons (lack of safety at my school, lack of quality childcare in rural community, ppd, etc.) my son is now two. I have been subbing for the last two years a few days a week and I have not really enjoyed it. I love being back in the schools and seeing old friends, but being a sub just sucks lol. Beginning of this school year I applied for a two day a week position that I wanted very badly. It would have provided the perfect balance between my desire to teach and be with my son. I didn’t get it, and that hurt.
Fast forward to now and I am starting a new part time job at the local library this week. Today was a final day subbing and I felt relieved but also so sad. I feel like I’m closing the chapter on being a teacher. People who have been in my position before have told me things along the lines of “oh, don’t worry! You’ll have no problem getting right back into it.” But I just don’t see it that way. I feel like I’m becoming irrelevant to the teaching community. I only have 2 years of experience, I’ve already been out for two year, and more and more new teachers are entering the job market.
I worry that maybe I wasn’t a good teacher at all. Maybe I actually hindered my students by being a new teacher. Maybe I’m not as good as the other educators in my community. I feel like I don’t belong anymore.
I’m excited to start at the library and do something that isn’t as demanding or draining as being a teacher, but I can’t help but mourn the possibility that I am closing that chapter of my life. I just feel sad about it all.