I will never be the same because of weed. BIG TRIGGER WARNING BTW
At the beginning of this year I had my friends buy me my first cart, I had previously smoked weed for the first time at my best friend’s party. I had a bad experience of panicking that time so I bought a cart thinking it was just a first time panicking situation. I started smoking probably every day for around 4 months until I got sick and stopped smoking for a couple days. I went to smoke my regular dose and I greened out. That was the start of everything.
After greening out I decided to stop smoking weed, I threw my cart away and thought since I hadn’t been smoking for that long, i’d be okay. A couple days later I was again at my best friend’s house for another party and that entire day I felt really off. I felt impending doom weighing down of my chest, and I had horrible thoughts and anxiety. In the middle of the party I couldn’t stand it anymore and went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and all of a sudden I had no idea where I was at or who I was seeing in the mirror. I had my first panic attack ever in that bathroom.
I went out and I felt so bad I wanted to do anything that’d make me feel even slightly better so I went and drank a lot. Obviously I felt even worse and decided to run upstairs and lay down. Later that night I woke up out of my sleep and had yet another panic attack thinking someone was going to kill me, I fell out of the bed and woke up my friends screaming. I had my parents pick me up.
After that day I was in full blown psychosis unable to leave my dark room because I was horrified my own family was going to kill me. I couldn’t look in the mirror because i’d panic not knowing who I was, and seeing other people make it even worse as I was convinced everyone wasn’t real/robots. Probably a week after the party I decided to take my own life with a knife. Clearly it didn’t work as it wasn’t deep enough but I panicked and woke my mother up where she called the ambulance.
I ended up in the psych for only a couple days until I was let out. After that occurred something kind of snapped in me and I was out of psychosis. After that day it has been easier and i’ve been able to go outside and do work/school. I still suffer pretty badly with derealization and depersonalization, and I often think of dying. My panic attacks have lessened but I miss my old self the absolute most. I hope that everyone who struggles with anxiety never tries weed, I truly hope this reaches someone. I wont be the same ever again.