Im currently in hell week and there’s this out of body experience I get when it hits, it’s like I’m seeing or feeling my thoughts through a third party and I just start to feel this dread both in first and third person? Idk if that makes sense. I just think FUCKKKKK MEEEE, and there’s nothing to do to stop it. I really wish this would end. I’ve had to distract myself to not thinking about harming myself, not to say I would now, but as I’ve already made an attempt in the past, I find myself able to move from ideation to planning specifically in hell week so I literally distract myself with anything and everything (low effort/energy wise).
I have no support rn, so im kinda raw-dogging this shit, like I’m sure some already are. But sometimes I think, if I have to continue life like this, with people who either think I’m being dramatic or exaggerating, or have situations where I have to wait for people to leave cause they realise it’s an every month thing, or simply do just have to do this myself, I’m not sure if I can keep it up. After my first attempt I feel as though I’ve fallen under some weird punishment with my parents (I’m 24, attempt happened at 22) where they withhold finances or use it as a way to control, whilst making me feel like a failure and a disorganized un-focused mess (I would say this outside of hell week, this isn’t the storm talking lol), these are words that I or any of my friends/teachers/anyone who knows me, would’nt have used to catégorise me prior to attempt and dropping out so I r do feel stuck in this. My mum doesn’t believe in PMDD, my dad does but doesn’t make the effort to understand it and my brother berates me or throws it in my face when he’s angry.
I’m stuck in this hell. I know I’ll come out of it and feel okay enough to fake the feeling of being stuck long enough to dissociate for SI. But hell week just brings everything to the for front and I can’t stop thinking about how stuck I am. No degree. No job. No friends. Stuck stuck stuck. I haven’t posted on here in a couple months and I’m not sure I will again for a while, I got tired of talking cause nothing helps. I don’t have access to ssri I was taking (even though it stop working) and the vitamins only do so much. Anyways thank you to everyone who shares their experiences, it really does help and helps me feel less alone. This subreddit has I think been the best thing I could’ve done for myself. Thank you