I’m a 25 year old male, and I think I just need to write my story out somewhere because my mind has been all over the place lately.
I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness my entire life. For anyone unfamiliar, it’s an extremely high control religion. A lot of normal things were heavily restricted growing up. I wasn’t allowed to really have close friendships outside the church, couldn’t pursue sports the way I wanted to, and I constantly felt like I had to live a double life. From a very young age, I became really good at lying and hiding parts of myself just to survive socially and emotionally. I learned how to be two different people depending on who I was around.
Back in 2021 during COVID, I finally decided to leave the church. Around that same time, I downloaded Facebook Dating. I had never had a girlfriend before, even though I had talked to girls throughout school and had some genuine connections. But because they weren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses, I was never allowed to pursue anything seriously.
That’s when I met a girl. I’ll call her Lina.
Everything felt exciting and new. Within three months, I moved into her place. I vented to her constantly about my upbringing and everything I had gone through. Because I started dating outside the religion, I got disfellowshipped (expelled), which meant my family, including my parents, completely shunned me. Overnight, I lost basically everyone in my life except Lina.
At first our relationship felt intense in the best way possible. Almost soul tied. But eventually problems started showing up. Lina became a carpenter and worked around a lot of men. She’d go out with coworkers late at night and come home really late, and honestly I became extremely jealous and insecure about it. I brought it up constantly. Eventually she cut a lot of those people off, but I think it made her miserable, and looking back I can see how controlling and unhealthy things became between us.
At the same time though, our relationship became built around chaos and trauma bonding. We went through a lot together emotionally, and over time I became addicted to the highs and lows of it all. I’m also a very petty person, and during the time she was hanging out with coworkers, I think part of me wanted to “get even.”
There was another girl from my childhood that I had always been attracted to. We had mutual feelings growing up, but I hadn’t spoken to her since I was around 16. I’ll call her Leia.
During one rough patch with Lina, I reached out to Leia again. We instantly connected. We spent about a week together hanging out constantly, and feelings came back very quickly. The problem was I was still in a relationship.
I ended up cheating on Lina with Leia.
After about a week I felt horrible and cut contact. But months later, during another rough patch in my relationship, I reached back out to Leia again. And it became a cycle for years. Every time things got bad with Lina, I went back to Leia. Every single time, Leia was there for me. She listened to me vent about my relationship problems, gave me genuine advice, supported me emotionally, and gave me her time and energy even when she probably shouldn’t have.
The truth is, I always had feelings for her.
But I also couldn’t leave Lina. As unhealthy as things were, she was there for me during the most traumatic period of my life after losing my family and support system. I became addicted to the chaos, the familiarity, and the emotional intensity of that relationship even though I knew deep down it wasn’t healthy anymore.
About a year ago, despite all these unresolved issues, I proposed to Lina anyway. It was rushed and honestly a terrible decision. We got married, but marriage didn’t magically solve anything. It actually made things worse.
Eventually I got shipped out of town for work for a few months. During that time there was supposed to be a cabin trip involving Lina, her male coworkers, and their girlfriends. I couldn’t attend, and somehow all the girlfriends ended up bailing too, leaving just the guys and Lina. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with it. She felt like I was controlling her again and basically told me she was going regardless of how I felt.
That was the breaking point for me. A few days later, I called for divorce when I returned to town (as hypocritical as I was).
The entire time during this separation, I was still talking to Leia. I was venting to her constantly, and she was encouraging me to finally leave the marriage and move on with my life. Throughout all the years we had been involved, I had repeatedly promised her that one day I would choose her and leave my relationship.
A few months after separating from my wife, I finally asked Leia to be my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.
And honestly, she gave me the healthiest and most loving relationship I’ve ever experienced in my life. She was patient, nurturing, understanding, respectful, beautiful, and genuinely cared about me. Her family welcomed me in immediately too, especially after my own family had abandoned me years ago.
But here’s where I ruined everything.
I’m currently going through a divorce that should be finalized next month. Neither me nor Lina could afford expensive lawyers, so we agreed to handle things peacefully ourselves. She would keep the house she paid for, she wouldn’t pursue spousal support, and we would both continue contributing to the wedding loan that was taken out in her name. We agreed to do a joint filing and keep everything amicable.
I haven’t physically seen Lina in around six or seven months.
But during all this time, Leia repeatedly asked me if I was still in contact with Lina. She told me she wasn’t comfortable with it and wanted me to cut contact completely.
I looked her directly in the eyes and lied.
I told her I wasn’t talking to Lina anymore, but the truth was I still was through email. None of the emails were romantic or sexual. They were mostly about the divorce process, finances, logistics, and trying to keep things calm between us because I knew if things became hostile, the divorce could become financially devastating and drag on forever.
I was intentionally trying to stay positive and amicable because I genuinely believed it was the smartest thing to do financially and legally.
At one point I even asked Lina to send me a picture of our Rottweiler puppy because I wanted to see how much he had grown. There was also one time where I dropped off a pair of earrings in her mailbox that belonged to her from our wedding. I never went inside, never tried reconnecting romantically, and never stayed there. I just dropped them off and left.
But none of that changes the fact that I lied.
And because my relationship with Leia started from an affair in the first place, trust was already fragile from day one. She already feared I would eventually do to her what I did to Lina.
Then she found the emails.
Today she dropped some of my belongings off and we talked for around an hour. It ended with her telling me to get the fuck out of her car and that I would never see her again. Honestly, I believe her. She also told me her parents are disgusted with me, and I completely understand why.
Later that same day, I drove to Lina’s place (not to rekindle anything sexually or emotionally) and asked if she’d come talk with me in my car for a bit. We sat there for about an hour, and for the first time in a long time, I openly admitted everything to her and owned up to who I’ve been as a person.
Both Leia and Lina told me the exact same thing today: that I’m not truthful, that I lie a lot, and that I think for myself instead of thinking as a partner. And honestly, they’re right.
Growing up in the church really messed with my sense of identity. I spent most of my life learning how to hide who I was and tell people what they wanted to hear. Then I jumped from one serious relationship straight into another without ever learning myself first.
That’s something I need to fix.
I still think staying amicable with Lina during the divorce was the smartest move financially and legally. After our conversation today, we both agreed we’re moving forward peacefully, without lawyers, without fighting over money, and without dragging things out.
But where I failed completely was hiding all of that from Leia instead of trusting her with the truth and allowing her to decide for herself if she could handle it.
I really loved her. More than anyone I’ve ever been with.
I’ve had feelings for her since I was a little kid, and finally getting to be with her felt unreal. She was genuinely one of the kindest and most understanding people I’ve ever met, and I ruined it because of dishonesty.
I have never been heartbroken before, but my heart hurts so bad, and I’ll never forget Leia at all, she was all I wanted and now that I finally had her, I pissed it away.
So at this point, I’m just trying to be truthful about who I am.
Not who I pretend to be. Not who I think people want me to be. Just who I actually am.
Right now I’m staying single for a long time. I’m getting back into the gym, trying to surround myself with good people, and trying to finally learn myself properly for the first time in my life.
I know I hurt people. I know I made selfish decisions. I know I ruined something that could have been amazing.
But I also know I can’t keep living the rest of my life as someone who lies to avoid consequences or discomfort.
That part of me needs to end here.