Not Sure if I Belong Here? (Schizoaffective “former” regressor looking for advice?)
(Some more adult/mental health topics mentioned, just make sure you’re in the right headspace :) ) Hi all, I know the title is a little cliche but.. haha. I just stumbled across this sub and I guess I joined because there was a time where I wouldn’t have even questioned doing so.
I’m 22(enby), I work construction, I have an amazing fiancee and every day I face the challenge of having schizoaffective disorder among other illnesses and manage to come out on top of those battles. But, seeing this sub made me remember a part of myself that was once a lot more active.
If I consider the headspace that I enter when trying to cope with active psychosis “age regression”, then I’ve been regressing for around ten years. Age regression was introduced to me at an extremely young age, and while I’m sure many others here can relate to that, it was not posed as age regression in the beginning. I hope you know what I mean. Nonetheless, whether the intentions of that person were inherently good or bad is water under the bridge by now. The way “regression” and the bond shared between cg and little was posed and … enforced..? on me lead to a pretty codependent state of life for me for the next.. seven years. Whoever I was with romantically, regression was at the center of my mind. I felt like I had to regress, even at times wanted to regress, but was never given the adequate tools to do so on my own and be.. mentally alright. The codependencies I formed with people over the years as a desperate attempt to feel like I was doing *something* right genuinely still haunts me.
This is a ramble, I am so sorry.
I guess saying all that is to bring up this moment. I’ve been with my fiancee for 5.5 years. 6 in June. We started off long distance, and last year shortly after I proposed, we were able to move in together and it’s been a dream come true. At the beginning of our relationship, I was still incredibly dependent on what my perception of regression was, but as the years passed and I learned how it felt to be in a healthy functioning relationship as an adult, my tendency to regress dropped quite a lot. Another thing to note is that my current fiancee was at one point my caregiver, but when I stopped regressing, she never really asked or brought it up. Now that we live together, I get incredibly shy and almost always physically nonverbal when I enter whatever headspace I have and I have never successfully regressed with a cg present in person.
The way I view age regression and what proper regression looks like has changed drastically over time, and I know I sound wistful for a 22 year old but man life has served me a real freaking hand of cards to work with. I guess I just want to know if it’s even worth it to try and regress anymore. These days I lean towards pet regression, but only find myself in headspace when I’m in an incredible amount of stress due to my mental illness. If I tried actively using age regression as a coping mechanism, it would probably require a conversation with my partner that makes me incredibly nervous to have. Are there any schizophrenic/affective littles here that can give me any sort of guidance?
Uhhahshdh if you read all of this, thanks, I do appreciate it. Sorry for rambling, it’s 7am and I haven’t slept much.