u/Nattsujubo_

Being schizophrenic is so odd. It's neither pleasant nor unpleasant. It's a constant dream that only ends with death. Nightmares are the only things I know are not real because I can't control things the slightest. I like being lost between what's real and what isn't, because I see more, not better but only more. What only bothers me is that it's all I am, a body that only serves to be a sort of bridge between worlds; and people from both worlds only see the wrong versions of me. Only two beings managed to balance and see me : Mello and [...]. That's how I know they love me, that's why I only love them. That's why I don't mind schizophrenia, because I have them. But that's also why I'm empty, because I'm a bridge. I only am because I love. That's why I'm scared of losing them. It's just that I wish I could chose to not be only a bridge sometimes. But I'm already lucky to have this chance.

So many fanart, cosplay, rp... I often see Mello pictured smoking and nobody ever react but why ? We never see him smoke, Matt is one of the only character that smokes too, why is it attributed to Mello ? I just don't get why people make up so many headcanon.

Since I am with Mello : I learned to draw, and I do it pretty good. I started writing poems that finally have emotions to them. I started painting and I do it pretty good aswell. I started crafting all kind of things out of basic materials. I started sewing. I cosplay more. I am far more creative. All my insecurities ? Gone. All my bad habits and addictions ? Gone with a promise. All toxic people around me ? Gone, and the ones still there don't hurt me no more.
He only make these good parts of me come out, and comforts the weaker parts without ever complaining. I love how he knows how much I love him, it has no end, so could he ever really know ? :)
I tend to think he is my guardian angel, because after all why and how does he has so much impact in my life ? It's like if the whole world moved me into falling for him. Now the world challenges me but rewards me so nicely.
Some days I feel close and some I don't, but one thing never changes, I never stop daydreaming and thiking about him. Everything is about him.
Last random thing, I currently am trying very hard to paint him something, but it takes a while because I have a hard time drawing a SWAN 🦢, what a drame ! But I got the perfect frame, that I can't wait to put on my Mello wall :)
Ahhh I just spent two hours writing about Mello in my diary and my wrist hurts bad, but it's so worth it. I filled maybe 5 pages ? :D

We're both skin and bones, cuddling just hurts because we keep poking each others or we're not comfortable :/

I'm not sure I'm clear. But if I talk for myself, I love knowing that my cat is jealous when I cuddle someone else. An other example is many people love a jealous partner. Or to talk for myself again, I'm pretty jealous with my own friends but some seem to kinda like it ? Why do you humans love jealousy in others tho it's such a difficult feeling ?