Extreme guilt and worry about college finances
I don’t know anyone else to talk to so I’m going to rant (long post).
My registration for next semester’s classes is next week and I can’t register because I owe over 7000 dollars. I think it’s because of the classes that got added from the waitlist during the semester and for the summer classes i registered for.
I also almost didn’t have any housing for senior year because I forgot about the housing process and missed many deadlines for apartment selection while stressing on catching up for classes and trying to prevent myself from falling back into that deep depression. But today thankfully someone emailed me saying there are very limited spots available for rent and I have less than 48 hours to sign the lease and pay the deposit.
Why I’m crying now is because of the fact that all of this is going to have to be paid for out of pocket by only one parent (complicated situation between my parents). All of this is last minute and I’m stressed because I have to talk to my dad about this and let him know everything since he’s the one paying for everything.
However, I’m also stressed because I’m afraid he’ll say no or delay like he usually does, I’m afraid he’ll say no because of the fact that it’s an apartment. this is the only option for me and all other upperclassmen. He hasn’t given me an opinion about this because I avoided talking about it out of that guilt of money. But the one time I mentioned this to my mom, she immediately dismissed it and said that “an apartment is too big” for me, that I’m not ready to live on my own like that, which irritates me because once again she’s infantilizing me like she always have been, meanwhile for the past 3 years and basically half my life I’ve been able to take care of the house and myself and have been living alone in the dorms, doing way better taking care of myself there compared to the house I’ve grown up in.
Anyway, I’m scared that he’ll say no or not want to pay since it’s monthly installments for a year. I’m also crying because of the extreme guilt of not getting any scholarships or financial aid to help reduce the costs like everyone else I know, because all this time for years now I’ve been hanging on a thread trying to stay afloat mentally and deal with just getting by with classes.
And besides that I still failed badly, especially last semester by failing all my classes because all my emotions were too heavy to continue carrying and I couldn’t keep up with everything. I have done the work of seeing a therapist and getting a diagnosis for depression and inattentive ADHD, which explains the executive dysfunction I’ve been experiencing all my life and which also explains why I’ve been struggling so much with sticking to tasks, especially with sticking to finding scholarships.
Time and time I’ve done the research for those resources but never followed through with them despite knowing how badly I need it. I feel like I look lazy and they might not want to help me with these current issues.
I’m also crying at the fact that I have to squeeze in 19 credits for both semesters of my senior year and have to do summer and winter classes (extra money to pay) to make sure I graduate on time with a degree that I don’t even like nor believe I’ll be able to find a good job with after graduation, since I’ve missed every single opportunity of professional development due to struggling with just keeping up with classes.
I also changed my major last minute this semester from pre med because it was too much for me and I realized that I didn’t truly want to pursue a medical degree, even though that’s the only background I have. Right now I’m doing pre-nursing, but only because I feel like that’s the only option for me that will get me employed so I can save up and leave. But nursing isn’t something that think is for me at all, which makes this whole thing feel like a complete drag. But medicine is the only thing I’ve found interest in, even from middle school.
I can’t sleep because of this. I’m currently a junior and the thought of all this keeps me up at night.
Might I add, I’m also the eldest daughter of Nigerian immigrant parents with no other older siblings or even cousins who have gone to school in this country that I can look to for guidance. I’m the first person in my family to do this and have been carrying everything on my own. In terms of my mental health, my parents are also not aware of my diagnosis or the journey I’ve been on to handle it, because there have been times in the past that showed me they are not safe spaces that I can confide in due to their dismissal and their own lack of education around it.
I am of course looking for more resource to help out, but once again, sorry for the long read. I just had to rant because I genuinely don’t know who else to talk to about how I’m feeling.