u/N8theeeGR8

Anxiety is an interesting part of my life. It dominates my life. It is worth mentioning that so far, I have been diagnosed with ocd and bipolar. One of the first aspects of my anxiety is social anxiety. There is no doubt that I am socially anxious. The root of the anxiety is hard to understand. For one, it seems as though I fear being judged OR fear messing up, making a mistake, and subsequently, being embarrassed. The reason I say OR is that sometimes I can’t tell which one is accurate. It is almost like I am afraid of being seen by people. Going downstairs at my apartment complex to get a cup of coffee is hard for me, as I don’t like the idea of coming into contact with people. Going on just a 15-minute walk during the day is very hard for me, and something I very, very rarely do. I will say it is the lead-up that is anxiety-provoking. Once I am out it is never really that distressing. AGAIN, sometimes I can’t identify a specific reason why it is hard; it seems to be a combination of being uncomfortable being around other people due to possible judgment and/or making a mistake. The aspect of making mistakes is interesting; I really do fear things like tripping in front of people. This aspect of my anxiety is debilitating. I rarely leave my apartment , and I mean very rarely. Interestingly, when I am with someone, like a friend, it all becomes much, much easier. Also interestingly, I feel like when I am conversing with people, I am not awkward, and it is always much easier than I make it to be. In fact(not to sound like a douche), I am a very well-liked person, I get along with everyone. I am at my most socially anxious when I am around younger people (I am 23). The older the person is, the less anxious I become. In fact, being around people who are older, probably 40+, is not anxiety-provoking at all for the most part. But nonetheless, the social anxiety I have is debilitating. Before I was diagnosed with OCD, I was being evaluated for social anxiety disorder and autism. Interestingly, in the moment, conversations are not difficult for me. I am very aware of how I am being perceived. I make sure to pick up on all social cues to make sure the conversation is right. Sometimes in my room, I will act out talking to people, like practicing meeting people and giving a handshake- maybe I'm just lonely, like I said, it is only for appointments, food delivery, I'll leave my apartment. Also, when I am with someone, going out is way, way easier. I have a specific intolerance for being in awkward situations/ being awkward. The next aspect of anxiety is my fear that bad things will happen. This is sort of where ocd comes into the picture.
The intrusive thoughts. I get thoughts on a daily basis of horrible things happening to me or sometimes my family. This happens often. They happen when I'm actively doing something or even mid convsersation. I almost space out and will think of things . A few examples are of getting into a car accident, being stabbed, and the main topic is almost always death. The thoughts are normally elaborate. For example, I have imagined being trapped in the crevice of a cave while cave diving, stuck and slowly dying, while having to say goodbye to my family through the cracks in the cave. or imagining writhing in pain with a heart attack, dying. or imagining slowly suffering and dying from cancer, or being told I have terminal cancer. imagining being in my case manager's office, sobbing because my father died. Or envisioning myself dropping dead while showering. Those are just a few examples, but the idea is they are frequent and, at times, elaborate, in my opinion. A few more examples are if my dad is traveling, being stuck on the thought that he could crash, and being at war with myself about how unlikely it is that he will die, but how it's technically possible. feeling the urge to text him if he made it home okay, while also being cautious about texting him in case he is driving to avoid him texting and driving and dying. Last week, when my dad was flying back to flordia, I looked up “plane crashes” on google to see if there were any crashes. The fear of something bad happening is also very sensitive to physical symptoms. If I get a headache that lasts too long or feels suspicious, or if my chest becomes irritated from vaping too much, despite me knowing rationally I am okay, I become fixated on the possibility of things like cancer, lung cancer, or terminal heart disease. Let's take the headache brain tumor example. If I become suspicious of the headache, I'll be at war with myself about the what ifs, like cancer or death, will argue with myself, and many times will turn to multiple AI platforms to seek reassurance that I am okay. The thing is, despite getting reassurance from AI platforms, if the headache persists Ill go back to AI and ask the same thing over and over again. A good example of this is when I went off my lithium and Invega (bipolar meds) in January, to induce a manic episode to prove to myself I have bipolar (diagnosis uncertainty is a major issue with me) . After a couple of weeks, I developed withdrawal symptoms that incuded head aches and nausea. I asked numerous AI sites. the same questions about whether it sounded like brain cancer over and over and over again. Despite the reassurance from AI and even doctors, the possibility of it being something serious would not go away. Another great example is inner chest wall irritation from vaping too much. Excessive vaping did lead to some chest pain, but my mind went to the worst-case scenario of lung cancer. Despite rationally knowing it's from too much vaping, that I am only 23 and haven’t been vaping or smoking for too long, the what-if scenario left me stuck. So once again, i would ask AI platforms over and over again things like “this can't be lung cancer, right?, if this were lung cancer, there would be more syptoms, right?”. The problem is, even after being reassured I am okay, I would go back to asking the same questions over and over again; it was a relentless loop. the AI platform even at one point mentioned I am asking the same things repeatedly. I personally feel this aspect if debatable because in the absence of physical symptoms, I don’t continue asking AI things. But when a physical sensation does pop up that feels suspicious, it becomes sticky, worries me about the worst case scenario, and often makes me engage mentally, saying evidence that the worst case scenario is unlikely, and most of the time, asking AI platforms for reassurance that I am okay.
The other big thing are my diagnoses. I have been diagnosed with bipolar one disorder since 2022, and was recently diagnosed with ocd (which also popped up in 2022). I was being treated for it with fluvox for a few months in 2022, but had my first manic episode, leading to the focus shifting to bipolar treatment. There is no doubt I am obsessed with these diagnoses. I am in a pretty much constant argument about whether I actually have these disorders, both internally and externally. There are a few ways this manifests. With the bipolar obsession, I get thoughts of “your manic episodes weren’t legit, there are other explanations for ur episodes, you don't have bipolar” on a daily basis. This has driven me to spend at times hours trying to convince and reassure myself that I do have the disorder by doing a few things. one of those being talking out loud to myself (or in my head) about all the manic episodes I have had in detail, almost as if I was talking to someone else about my history, trying to convince them of it. I also use various AI platforms many, many times, copying and pasting lengthy personal descriptions of my episodes and hospital documents from inpatient stays, trying to seek reassurance that I have the disorder. I have done this so many times, all AI platforms have all said the same thing each time, it doesn't matter- I still go back to seek reassurance that I have the disorder. I'll use incognito mode on Google Chrome so each time I copy and paste the personal descriptions and records to the AI platforms, the answer is fresh. Even when I don’t use AI platforms, ill use evidence in my head to prove and reassure myself that I do in fact have the disoder. I think about whether I have ocd and bipolar on a daily basis. the thoughts/doubts I described about bipolar are the same with my new ocd diagnosis which is rapidly becoming an obsession idetical to how the bipolar obessesion manifests. one of the things I do frequently, almost for “fun” (but with the intention of hearing something that “clicks” and resonates/ upholds the diagnosis) is watch youtube videos about bipolar and ocd. But the problem is that OCD and bipolar disorder are depicted in a very stereotypical way on YouTube. for example, with ocd they talk about handwashing and door locks. With Bipolar, they talk about spending a lot of money or delusions in bipolar one. Essentially, because I don't feel like I match perfectly with those examples that are always mentioned in these informative videos, it makes me really doubt the diagnosis is correct. It leads me to try and reassure myself internally, or many times externally, using AI to ensure that I do, in fact, have these disorders. When I want to watch videos about these disorders, even when it’s simply to learn (although pretty much all the time it's to feel more sure and connected with my diagnosis), it always makes me doubt and argue with myself and frequently utilize AI to reassure I have ocd and bipolar. I even have thoughts about “what if I don’t get manic again —> will people question my diagnosis. In fact, I go off meds at times to try to trigger mania so that I will be convinced I really have the disorder. As I said, OCD is becoming an obsession. I spent almost an hour writing this extensive, detailed summary, spent an additional 2 hours submitting it to numerous AI platforms on Thursday. I used about 8 different tabs on incognito mode, trying to make sure no stone was left unturned. Each day since Thursday, I have spent more than an hour submitting this long description to AI platforms again and again, and again.

There are other smaller things that happen. Some of them used to happen more often. I used to struggle (2018-2022) to leave my apartment without being stuck on the idea of my door being unlocked or the faucet being left on and flooding the apartment complex. I did not check the door or faucet more than a couple of times. But the entire time I would be out of the apartment would be an internal war with myself arguing that the door is locked or the faucet is off. It would be like an itch that would not go away. I also have had mild magical thinking. This has looked like going on a certain side of the road to ensure something bad does not happen. Or last week, I felt that if I wore my Apple Watch, something bad might happen. This way of thinking confuses me because it’s weak in strength. The watch example is weird because if someone has forced me to wear the watch, I would not freak out. I ended up not wearing the watch “to be safe”. Another example is we got a new roommate in my apartment a few weeks ago. He’s kind of a dick, quiet and dull, and always wearing a hood. One night, I was up late and noticed red dots on my wall. As dumb as it sounds, for about an hour, I could not shake off the thought that maybe he was framing me for a murder. For an hour, I did not want to leave my room in fear he might futher try and frame me. When I did leave my room, I hurried back to my room to ensure he was not coninuing to framing me. The whole time I knew this was absurd, but the thought was sticky. Even now, when I hear a loud noise from his room, I get nervous; he's up to no good.:

Can anyone relate

vent session/meta ocd