I followed Dan's advice. Her funeral is on Monday.
Hey guyssssss!! Long time Dan Hentschel fan here! I was one of the first 5 likes on Cocky want boing boing, so I'm an innovator and expert hentscheliologist.
Anyway, I've always wanted to be a bit more like Dan. He's so level-headed, pragmatic, he always seems to have his shit together. That's something I can't say about myself. For the last 4 years, I've been in a very unhappy relationship. And it really started to wear on me and turned me into an emotional mess, sometimes entertaining violent thoughts. But his stories made me feel like I wasn't alone, so he sort of became my escape from it all, yknow. And my name is Adam, so when he talked about "Addy" , it was really comforting because I could live vicariously through her.
Anyway, when I was doing my weekly rewatch of all his videos, I finally reached his very first relationship advice TikToks. And I realised.... wow... he really has it all figured out. Maybe if I follow his advice, I can fix my relationship and get closer to achieving true danhood.
So, I immediately shaved my head and eyebrows and started taking notes on his relationship advice TikToks. Specifically, the coffee one. Replace your partner's coffee with decaf and only swap it back when you return home, so when you're not around, they feel tired and drowsy and sick and they realise how much they love you. My girlfriend has a massive caffeine addiction, so this seemed like the perfect one to follow. The only problem is I didn't have any decaf. And ever since I invested all my money in sonloafcoin (which was a total rugpull btw), money's been tight. So I had to make do with what I had.
I got some dirt from the front yard and some mulch I found in the shed. I crushed it up by hand (blender broke, I tried to use the blades to shave my head cuz I didn't have enough for razors) and right as I was leaving for work, I swapped her coffee with the dirt-mulch substance thingy. My master plan had been set in motion.
Usually she messages me while I'm at work, bothering me about some fucking animal TikToks or some shit that really made me want to block her needy ass, but today, not a single message. This meant that my plan was probably working and also that I could have some peace and quiet for once which is a very welcome surprise side-effect.
On my way home, I was real giddy. I was expecting to come home to a loving girlfriend who had just had a change of heart (metaphorically and literally cuz all that caffeine was fucking up her heart rate anyway so its actually good that I did this). But when I came home...
[DESCRIPTION OF GRIZZLY SCENE THAT THE ACTUAL REDDIT ALGORITHM DOESN'T ME TO POST. LIKE SERIOUSLY, IT AUTOMATICALLY REMOVES MY POST.]
I'm not even sure if she had my home made decaf. I'm not sure how this happened because they didn't find a weapon or anything but idk that's still under investigation. But I guess Dan's advice really did work? It fixed my relationship, because I technically spent the final moments of our relationship happy with excitement. I was so excited to fix my relationship. Sooooooo I guess it's a win!
Has this happened to any of you hentschelheads / baldheads too? Let me know. Further advice appreciated!