u/Mountain-Tone-2518

You fucking idiot,

There is something 

Wrong with you

.

This is all your fault,

There is something 

Wrong with you

.

That’s just the way she is

You have to be 

The bigger person

.

You did this,

Stop crying

Suck it up

Rub some dirt on it

.

If you hadn’t been 

Such a dumbass,

That wouldn’t have 

Happened to you

Does history truly repeat itself? It definitely rhymes. I’ve had my own Aldersgate experience. The character and method of my ministry has been revolutionized.

While on a mission to evangelize the colonies I fell for one, Sophus Hopkey. I hesitated in the midst of a vow of celibacy and he married another. I found myself incensed despite my attempts to project happiness. I was forced to flee before I betrayed myself.

His zeal declined with time. He then failed to signify his intentions upon reunion. No communion.

Maybe it was a force only I saw to begin with, as proceedings against me ensued with no resolution.

As a result, I withdrew into depression. Although committed to my cause, I became dissatisfied with my soundness of mind and felt inadequate. Especially after witnessing the way in which others pursued their own missions.

I attended a service while depressed and became engrossed in the teachings of Martin Luther being told by the new apostles, Scrim and Ruby. My heart felt strangely filled. I felt I did trust in myself and the symbol of Christ for salvation. Assurance was given to me that my sins could be taken away, because we are all sinners. 

To make mistakes is to be human. To learn from those mistakes is the formation of wisdom. The true nature of the human experience is to embrace both joy and suffering. Without darkness, we see no light. Without light, we are swallowed by darkness. The singularity that is our soul is made of both.

I recently found myself discussing the 1977 film Oh, God! In a scene on suffering, John Denver asks George Burns, “How can you permit all the suffering that goes on the world?”

To which he replies, “I don't permit the suffering. You do! Free will. All the choices are yours. You can love each other, cherish and nurture each other, or you can kill each other.” 

How Wesleyan a concept! Grace is free in all, and free for all. No special circumstance must be met, simply come as you are. 

I now feel an eerie call to reformation and a new method. Inspired by an old one, rather than revival. The evangelical way of saving a soul has become sinful in itself. Twisted into an engine for power and control.

Prosperity for all must come from the deeds of all, not just words alone.

We must walk the walk together, or be crushed by the few holding control.

10 years and runnin’

Either I have pissed off someone very smart and they are very focused on letting me know.

Or I am the Russell Crowe of PTSD now. 

Not sure since I’m an idiot 🥴.