Im sad
I created a new instagram, and I decided to look at my ex wife’s profile. Nothing posted for a few years, but some pictures of our kids, her new one, and her new husband.
It has been 6 years since our divorce finalized. We don’t speak, I don’t see my children, I think about her everyday.
When I start arguments in the shower, it’s her name I’m using. When I’m trying to motivate myself, it’s her voice that haunts me. I feel so sick when I think of all the ways we were awful to one another. The amount of red flags between us; we were kids having kids. We never communicated either.
I don’t think I love her anymore, or really ever did. Nor do I think she ever loved me. I’m just waiting for the day my children come to see how much of a failure I am and have been since I left.
I have a hole inside my chest that I can’t fill. A pit in my stomach that threatens to swallow the ends of my world. I am sad.
How do I stop feeling this way?
EDIT: To answer some questions, I live in a separate state. And I don’t have any rights to see them. I didn’t know the depth of the choice I was making at the time. I was driving 8 hours one way for court and visits and I was already spread so thin. I took the way out. I hate myself for it.