All my life I was beaten, hated, literally told by every close person I've had in my life that I am more worthless than a piece of trash or shit. Everyone gets annoyed by me. When I really just don't understand what people want from me anymore, I'm too exhausted. I speak, try to hold a conversation — I get annoying, too talkative and I get beaten up, threatened. I stay silent — people get even more mad, yell at me and leave me in the middle of nowhere with no help, no support, no love. I'm so tired of this. You know, when my father said that everyone hates me, I actually thought he's wrong. He doesn't know the good qualities in me and he's just an angry man. But now it seems like he was right. He and my siblings made fun of me that I have no friends and nobody would wanna be friends with me, why would anyone love me if my own mother and father left me, my siblings don't wanna talk to me. They all despise me. Because they accuse me for all their misery. As if I'm the reason why mom and dad broke up. As if it's my fault that my father raped my mom. As if it's my fault that my father got attracted to my mom, made babies and left her. As if it's my fault I look like my mom and my dad hates it. I look like my faher and my mom hates me for it, I am a reminder of her painful past. As if it's my fault they hate each other so much. As if it's my fault that my father cheated with my mom, cheated on his first wife with kids. And now it's my fault that I am broken, I can't be normal, I'm autistic, depressed, have panic disorder and ADHD, wake up every night from nightmares, don't have friends, my grades are avarage, not very good.
Nobody cares. Everyone looks so mad. I wish I could make everyone happy, if only I was given the chance. But perhaps I'm just not good at it. All my life I got bullied at school, classmates make fun of me in uni as well. I'm just so sick of everything. I am financialy dependant on my bf. I thought he could be the proof that I am not unlovable, that I could shove this to my family's face. But even now I am not happy.. I'm exhausted. I have to study all day, provide for my husband, be a good housewife and do an extra job to get some money. And whatever I do it's not enough. He says try harder. I just wish someone could pull a gun into my head. Someone just slit my throat. I hate myself. I always felt like I was a mistake that wasn't supposed to be born. And every little experience just proves this point.
What am I left with at this point? I have no more desire to continue? Is there something I am missing? I've been crying for help for years since I was 9-10. I still am. Because my nature forces me to stay alive and I hate it.